(cont. from last post)
But then... things *did* majorly shift, over the course of a couple of days in a row.
First, we went shopping together. Gia had seen a BDSM toy that she found very intriguing and wanted to show it to me. We almost went in for it 50/50, but she decided to custom order one instead. While we were there, I pointed out a collar I liked and said that I thought I'd buy it. She bought it for me instead.
It wasn't what you'd think of in D/s circles as a collaring, but it was still special, especially since I know she doesn't have a ton of cash lying around. I wore it a LOT that week.
Next, later that afternoon, Gia and I happened to be alone in camp together. I had been gearing up to tell her how much I needed some closeness with her. But then I thought, why not just *try*, without words, all smooth, like someone who actually still possesses a sense of their own desirability, and... just see. So, I stepped into their camping contraption next to her. We chatted. I started rubbing her shoulders. We kissed. I started nibbling on her neck and left a good-sized hickey. Then I started rubbing lower. I asked if it was ok, and she murmured back that it was. I ended up on my knees, eating her out. It was amazing, so delicious and right, and we went on like that for some time. But then Bee tried to come in, and Gia realized that other people might actually be able to see us through a window in their camping thing, and that pretty much killed the moment. But what a moment.
*sigh* Dexter and Eric, as it turns out, had been outside for at least a little while, and I liked the idea that they must have known some of what was going on... I'm a bit of an exhibitionist and, yes, there was a part of me that just wanted to send the message "Hey, boys, this is MY woman too!!", as petty as that might be. :P I felt sooo much better afterwards, from just the simple act of sexual connection which we've shared so infrequently this past year or so.
Then, the next day, we finally did something that I first asked for over a year ago. Gia henna'ed me. It's something she's good at, and used to do a lot, and I relished the idea of being marked by her in that way. She had an idea for a back piece and she spent an entire hour working on it. By the time she finished it was a gorgeous piece of art, just stunning, and also deeply personal, relating to my identity specifically, and to the love and D/s that we share in a very ingenious, artistic, and evocative way. This is not just me unwarrantedly gushing either, everyone who saw it was deeply impressed.
I felt so honored to be walking around with this amazing symbol on my skin. By then, a great deal of my anxiety and upsetness had vanished.
Finally, the following night, there was a BDSM play party planned that I'd gotten wind of. I'd let Gia know about it, but wasn't sure if she was planning to go. I decided to call Davis. I told him that I'd been having a rough time during the trip and that I thought getting tied up and hit might make me feel a lot better. I told him that I wanted Gia to do it but, if she wasn't around to and I could find someone else I trusted, I might like to play anyway. He was very unsure at first. We talked at length, me explaining my position without pushing, he listening and positing concerns and questions. In the end, he said I should go for it, with a couple of very basic requested restrictions. I was so proud of him and grateful for that. I inquired with a friend, and got the name of an experienced dom who would almost certainly be happy to play and could gently introduce me to some new sensations. I checked with Gia, who was still unsure as to whether she was going, and she agreed that me playing with him sounded like a good idea.
In the end, Eric decided to stay in with Bee, while Gia, Dexter, and our friend Caeser joined me for the play party. Dexter and Caeser are both vanilla, but were curious and wanted to hang. Once we were there, I found the aforementioned dom and, indeed, he was open to giving things a go. He was great, actually, very respectful and sensitive and warm. Gia told me, again, to go for it, saying that she'd stay very nearby and watch him work. He flogged me, not *so* hard really though I had to say "yellow" twice (code for "slow down/lighten up"). It was intense, but it was just sensation, just an interesting experience that I wanted to try. What was really significant was afterwards, when Gia took me in her arms and wrapped me in something warm and took me over to the fire, brought me water, nuzzled me, took care of me. That felt delicious and perfect and right. Getting aftercare from this woman I so love feels like drinking fine dessert wine, indulgent and good.
And then, about a half an hour later, the dom and I went in for a second round. He asked me to name two things I'd like to try that we hadn't already done, which I did. Gia was again nearby. This time, I was blindfolded. And this time, at a cue between them that I had no idea was coming, Gia joined in. I won't detail what came next, as I've already done so on my tumblr --
...the url for which
...i will again split up
...in the hopes of keeping this blog from being searchable
...by people who know me elsewhere
...forgive me my paranoia
If you don't care to reconstruct the link and read about it, suffice to say it was overwhelming and amazing. She brushed her fingers so lightly against my crotch as she dommed me, maddening, amazing, incredible. And afterwards it was even better than before, I felt utterly at peace and taken care of. I told her how happy I was, and she told me how happy *she* was to be continuing to explore and develop this part of her identity, and told me that my "courage and ingenuity" were in large part responsible. *blush* We went back to camp not long after, and there was no longer any part of me that was remotely capable of feeling unwanted or ignored for the remainder of the trip.
So, yeah, emotionally it was a pretty damn schizophrenic week! I'm just so glad that it started its 180 when it did. If it hadn't, we would have had to have that talk, and I'm fairly certain it would have included something along the lines of "I don't know if I can keep doing this if things don't change"... and that's SO the last thing I want, to even have to *start* having a conversation like that, much less ever seriously consider breaking up. I'm so damn emotionally invested here, and I know she is too, despite the ways in which she can't always be there like I need.
Dexter rode with me on the six-hour drive home. We talked at length, I really like him. At one point I told him that he had my blessing to be with Gia, in case that mattered to him. He told me that, as much as he likes her, he's decided that he doesn't want to take things further. He asked me not to tell her until he had a chance to talk to her himself, which still hasn't happened. Damn it. Knowing how disappointed she'd be quashed any last remnants of resentment on my part. I truly felt ashamed for getting so worked up over a kiss and a conversation and nothing more, when I've had all sorts of other lovers while she and I have been together. There are extenuating circumstances that factor into my reaction, but still. I feel like I much better understand now the people who come to these boards struggling so mightily with jealousy that they KNOW is unfounded and unfair.
As an epilogue to all that, Eric had to go out of town for business almost immediately after they got back. He *hates* sleeping away from Gia, and he's never been away from Bee for even a night, so I've really felt for him during this time. However, it's left Gia with an empty spot in her bed, which I was only too happy to fill for a couple of nights.
Sunday night, which is when I got back, Davis and I crashed at my place. Monday night I absolutely had to do laundry and decompress. Thursday night (tonight) I promised to spend with Davis (we're going to dinner and a burlesque show in an hour
), and on Friday Eric returns. So, Gia and Bee and I had Tuesday and Wednesday night together this week. We cooked together, talked, played with the baby, and just were ourselves together. It was marvelous, and I knew that I was really truly a help to her. It was also good for my sense of perspective to learn firsthand just how hard it is to get to sleep with a restless baby in the bed, much less get any closeness. Definitely no "alone time" there!
The absolute best part was Wednesday morning. I got up first and started to get dressed, standing right at the edge of the bed. Gia was awake but still in bed. Bee woke up, squirmed for a minute, then saw me. He grinned at me. Then he clambered over her and threw himself at me, arms wide, and hugged me. To be loved like that, so unreservedly, by someone so innocent and perfect, is just an indescribable feeling.
Gia had a brief coffee date with Zed, the guy she was pursuing back in the winter, after work on Wednesday. She thought he might have changed his mind, but, no, he just wanted to catch up as friends. She was especially annoyed because he knows she wants him, and he made it sound like a date, which it wasn't, and if she'd known it definitely wasn't a date she would have just invited him to come over to spend time with her and the baby... bleh, people should just make their intentions clear. For my part, I didn't even feel the slightest pang of envy, as it was just an hour, and it actually didn't take away more than 30 minutes of time I could have potentially spent with her anyway, since I leave work later than she does. Back at her place, she sighed that she should have just spent the time with me, and thanked me for being in her life. She kissed me hard and bit at my neck, mmm.