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Old 08-16-2012, 10:38 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I am sorry things are so rough and frustrating for you right now.

The biggest mistake to make in any relationship, whether poly or mono, are when we think we know our partner so well that we stop seeing them anew each day. People change, relationships change, life is full of changes, and if we cling to wanting everything to stay the same or like it used to be, we will be in pain.

Ken Keyes wrote:
". . . Everything is either an effective or ineffective way of creating love, peace, and oneness.

Relationships that are held together by "shoulds" or "shouldn'ts" lose their spontaneous here-and-now vividness. Love cannot be a programmed addiction held together by fear or pressure. Real love blossoms and remains where there is no addiction -- but instead a vibrant, totally here-and-now involvement. And the optimal future is always generated from the free-flowing, non-expectant present moment.

. . . When two people love from [a higher level of consciousness], they do not experience the love they have for other people as detracting or threatening the love they share. They are not held together by a jealous, romantic model of love that constitutes an addiction that makes them vulnerable to suffering. They keep their consciousness in a state where they are totally involved -- and yet totally non-addicted. They give each other total freedom and unconditional acceptance. They love and serve each other in a relatively egoless way. Equally for both of them, loving and serving yields the maximum of all the beautiful things that life has to offer."
He was talking about unconditional love in that passage. You can still, by all means, have your preferences about what you'd like in your life, and go for them, but if you stay attached to your old romantic dream about what your marriage should be, and protest or fight against rather than accept what is, then you will not be present to deal with the here-and-nowness of your life, and that means choices you make will be limited and made from a narrow perspective.

This doesn't mean you shouldn't allow yourself to feel sadness or grief over the end of what was, but there is a time to move on. Whether moving on means with or without your wife is something only you can decide, but one thing for sure is that change is the only absolute in life and we need to embrace it if we are to survive and thrive.

I have a suspicion that you have problems meeting women who meet your standards because you might be giving off a bit of a self-pitying vibe, and that could be turning off more appropriate partners for you. No one wants to just be a substitute, a consolation prize to a man who is really wishing they were someone else. Look at what you're attached to in your marriage, work on becoming aware of your emotional and thought processes, find out what makes you happy that isn't dependent upon another person to supply it, and accept the present situation for what it is. Then you can make a choice that is truly in your best interest and not coming from a place that would rather hold onto the past. Acceptance is a great healer.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 08-16-2012 at 10:40 PM.
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