It's been a while, and I figured with Kevins and other folks input I should bring about some closure - let you know how i am, and how things eventuated.
We are not together at all now. M says she is going to try work things out with this other guy, that she doesn't love me like she does him. She was in love with me though, but I was not perfect and she was a child, an emotional cripple. She also left me because the situation was hurting me too much and she is entirely right in this thinking, this was the only truth from her in a long time - she is redeemable, but I cannot help her it is too close, too painful. Saw a quote recently along the lines of "Despite the fact you love someone if they cause you more pain than they do pleasure you need to move on". This is the case with M and I.
Still friends? I think not. I might love her, can't change that wish i could - but I much prefer not having anything to do with her today - too painful. She lies so much she believes her lies, and so even a simple conversation can cause me grief the bullshit has gone on for so long she seems incapable of being honest with herself or others. I do not think this is a moral issue - it is an illness. Sex addiction, relationship addiction, codependancy - whatever way you want to view it. An entirely dissatisfied and unhappy individual who constantly assassinated my character - what I wore, my hairstyle, my diet, the way i interact with others... even the arts I have been critically acclaimed for met her particular brand of constant disapproval. It saddens me she is so unhappy all the time. her default mode is anger at the world and humanity for all its errors, I was just a subset of this. I am default happy, hard to believe but I was a very happy man for most of my life and I plan to be that man again. I was happy in a cell, grateful for a cup of tea, a book to read. Today I have an enormous amount of stuff to be grateful for, everything loses its sheen with M in my life, she was truly a destructive force and i was oblivious to this.
If I cared for myself even a fraction of how much I cared for her I would have had nothing to do with her the moment I realised so many lies were going on. PERIOD. It was established earlier I had self esteem issues, well, they were nowhere near as bad before I met M.
I wish her well. i hope she gets help. She thinks some man will come along and she will magically improve, this is more of her denial. She blames men for coming on to her for her cheating, no responsibility. I can't accept bullshit, anger, criticism, and lack of responsibility in a partner, I have stopped trying to win her back - I deserve far better than this.
Still a lot of feelings, I process them, I am working through grief which has anger denial bargaining and depression involved, and finally, there will be acceptance.
So... Me - ME! How am I???
I am 7 weeks drug and alcohol free. The first four weeks were hell! Every morning met by tears of grief - anger and betrayal filled much of my thinking. I processed every day using written work, then sitting with feelings for a while (ouch, but neccesary, better than running), then some EFT so I could function. I practise spirituality on a daily basis, i get up and ask 'God' for the strength to get through the day without using drugs, alcohol or people to make me feel better. At night I say thank you to 'God' for the gift of another day. I walk into uni giving me regular exercise, my appetite has returned with a vengeance so am thinking I need to add some weight training back into routine so the weight as it comes on is distributed in a healthy manner
University is a lifesaver, i love my studies and they are so much easier today with a clear head. The obsession with M vanishes in lecture theatres. The obsession has all but vanished from my mind most of most days. I practise mindfulness, when i begin to think of M, if it is not processing time in the morning, it is time to change the thoughts - I ground myself concentrating on what I can hear, see, feel right here in the present. I might run through the alphabet thinking of positive words to go with each letter, I do not wallow! I concentrate on a comedy set, an essay due, a place I like, other people i like... I am applying for Honours, and it is highly likely i will get in. I will go on from this into a doctorate.
Comedy is progressing well. In the pro ranks already after only 3 shows. I will be able to use this particular skill to supplement my income in post graduate studies. I write today with brutal honesty about fucked relationships, with women, family, others. i write about depression, addictions, obsession. This stuff is pure gold in comedy. Comedy has begun to have a higher purpose for me, I can help others by starting the conversation on issues a lot of people are too scared to talk about, too afraid to admit. Laughing at my weaknesses is healing, for myself and others.
I am not getting a wee car yet. Everything I need is within walking distance or on a bus route, I wanted a car for promotion - I do not need to be promoting comedy - sitting in pubs for a job is not healthy for me. I do need some part time work in the lag time before comedy income increases, as it will, my sets are better than ever. I have a social life, it is not fantastic but I am only lonely if I choose to be. I am claiming time with male friends, getting comfortable in my own skin. I jerk off a lot...
I am beginning to feel happy again! In lectures, often as I walk. I enjoy people again, I go out and enjoy myself again. I can concentrate on reading and studies most of the time. I am enjoying many aspects of life that seemed grey when with M. I am still in counselling,I am in a 12 step programme, I have a sponsor to call when I need him. I am practising a spiritual way of life today, gratitude, love, acceptance.
I have purpose. To help others through comedy, to help others through experience with addictions and codependancy, to help the environment through expert and thorough science. I have a lot to live for. So, where an I going as a person....
I heard a concept recently that gave me a goal for personal development...
If you had a daughter - what kind of man would you want her to be with? This is the kind of man I will be, the kind of man I am, my defects are being worked on.
Caring, forgiving, loving, hard working, humorous, supportive, strong, courageous, friendly, accepting, honest, sensitive, joyful, a contributor, a team player... and more - think of your ideal offsprings partner, and apply!
I thank this community for being here when I needed you. I hope my journey helps others on theirs. Just be honest with yourselves...
Love or neediness? You deserve the best, all of you, and if you think you dont nobody else can make it better. Be brave, be strong, get help if you need it, and always, always, love yourself first.