Days into Weeks into Months
This week has flown by. Staff are on holidays, which always means that everyone else puts their nose to the grindstone to keep things running smoothly with one person gone. Makes time fly, but also leaves us all a little weary, and means that I can't take care of a lot of the backend stuff for the business that I'm responsible for. Ah well, I'll catch up on office/marketing stuff tomorrow, I hope!
I've been adding to/creating playlists on Rdio for Lily during the day, which keeps her at the forefront of my mind a lot. I'm kind of surprised by the feelings that I'm developing for her - not sure why, as she is a lovely woman, but I don't think that I was expecting to feel as fondly about her as I already do. I respect her approach to life and relationship a lot, and enjoy her thoughtfulness and natural grace. We both enjoy pretty similar music, and without even thinking about it, we have bought tickets to three upcoming shows with the intention of going together. Looking forward to both the gigs, and to hanging out together - gunna get a nice hotel for one of the nights, as I have yoga teacher training in the city the next morning, and don't want to be driving all over the place.
I love watching her journey of self discovery. She's so responsible to herself, and is cautious to not repeat patterns from her past - actively seeking help with this in counselling, and creating a new kind of relationship style for herself. I find her inspirational in her measured approach to things. Plus she speaks my languages of love fluently, which always gets me going - prezzies, sending nice txts, etc.
Sync and I continue to txt, and I believe a phone date is on the table for this evening to talk further. Elemental and I have been having some interesting conversations about our current relationship structures - how much time we really have for other partners vs. also taking care of our home life and our own relationship. I think that we've come to a place of understanding, and have a couple more conversations to go. I think that we're both kind of expecting for Sync to be in our life somehow upon her return - she and I have talked about that, E. and I have talked about that, and they're having a phone conversation either tonight or tomorrow to talk about it as well.
I'm so fuckin' gunshy with this girl, yet dead calm at the same time - most bizarre juxtaposition. I'm flinching, and having fucking lunatic thoughts at the same time. It's more than a little bizarre. My feelings around Sync are tied into a feeling of destiny in my heart, which scares the shit out of me, as the only other person I have felt that with was Elemental. It's been so fucked up, so not normal, so challenging and upsetting in so many ways, yet it's still there - this curious love in my heart, in Elemental's heart, in her heart. We all talk about those feelings as though they're old news.... "Yes, I love you. Yes I love Elemental." for both Sync and I, and "I love you. I love Sync" from Elemental. Her and I spoke about the calm feeling that we have inside of us now that we've talked, and she apologized over and over and over for not bridging the gap between us right away. Talks about her selfishness and lack of grace, her inability to be a good partner to me, to treat me like her girlfriend, and how truly sorry she is about that. How she's been ashamed about the way that she's seen herself behave, and didn't know how to get past her pride and defensiveness. All of the words that I wanted to hear months ago come tumbling out like it's No Big Deal and it stops me in my rage-y tracks. Makes me pull out all of my "We're Incompatible" files that I have been putting together, and start going through the contents with a less eagle-y/biased eye.
Ideals vs. Realities. I started this blog with Sync like a mountain in my life - towering over me, huge presence nearly blocking out the sun. It's been a roller coaster that I never knew I was even capable of riding, let alone coming out the other side knowing exactly what I want, and don't want in poly. And now, here she is, descending on our lives again in ten days. Ten days. Ten. Days. What will that look like? I have no idea. No idea. No. Idea. I just know that something has shifted.... again. Shifted. Again. Fuck.
Time to get back to work. A friend is visiting from Ontario, and we're heading out for a hangout before my normal day is done, so I gotta motor!
Where you go... there you are.
Last edited by BaggagePatrol; 08-16-2012 at 08:21 PM.