Originally Posted by redpepper
What do you think one's responsibility is to relay ones dating experiences with people to others that are now dating them? I guess it doesn't even have to be dating experiences. It could be metamour experiences etc. too. Is it useful information to you, as someone's new partner, to hear other peoples experiences with your new love? How much communication and information is too much or too little? In what cases is it okay to pass information along, in what case is it not our right to pass information along and in what case is it our responsibility?
The question, for me, is this:
Would I need to hear it from my partner, from hir own lips, in order to trust hir?
I make sure any partner of mine knows about the skeletons in my closet. I believe it's an act of building trust to share past transgressions. "This is who I was," it says. "I am telling you because I want to be different now."
If my partner's unacceptable behaviors ended hir last relationship, and zie has not disclosed this as part of our discussions, hearing it from a reputable source would damn well be a deal-breaker. I get to think about how I want to handle that knowledge. I get to ask around for confirmation. I would want my partner to do no less if misbehavior on my part came to light.
Metamours are a little different. Sure, if zie's done serious wrong, tell me, but if the problem was not the metamour -- well, let's say I'm a little easier about figuring the metamour out over time. I can choose to negotiate with the metamour how much contact we make. I suppose I could also choose to limit a problematic partner to tertiary status, too, but that's not at all what I'm looking for.
Clear as mud, wot?