Wednesday - Half Weak
Last time I posted things were going pretty well between us and the other couple. The next time we saw them, that kind of fell apart. Nothing they did, but we were all moving way too fast and everyone was just a little uncomfortable. I ended up saying something to DragonTattoo that I really should just have sat on, but I felt at the time that I wasn't being honest if I didn't. After talking with Rymmare, I realized that it was a big mistake.
We're all taking it much slower now, which is outright killing me. Anyone who's read this blog up to this point knows how quickly things move for me (and how I need constant attention) so slamming on the brakes is the hardest thing I've ever done. As Rymmare mentioned, 2 days of non-intimacy is like a year of non-intimacy for me. Just how I'm wired. Anyway, I don't want to get into the meat of that. It's not important.
Rymmare and I decided that it would be best if we saw a pro-poly counselor. There's some stuff that she's still uncomfortable with and that I don't have the ability to help her through because of my lack of experience in this world and my lack of professional training (obviously). I'm happy to be going again, actually. Having someone to talk to is very beneficial and we quit previously because we weren't seeing someone who was pro-poly and after they helped us realize we truly weren't as bad off as we thought, well, there really wasn't a need any longer.
Rymmare and I have had several heart-to-hearts recently. The best one was yesterday. She told me she felt like everyone else gets happy Kyle, and she gets sad panda Kyle. She feels like she doesn't make me happy and that I'm using poly as an excuse to go find happiness while staying in the relationship so I can support her and the kids. Since I am strongly opposed to divorce and I don't like split-families, she thinks that is causing me to hang on to something that is failing. I told her that's not the case, and that no one makes me as happy as she does. I also told her that she worries about my happiness too much, and that I am frequently more happy than she believes. I will strive to do a better job of showing her that.
One such display of affection was to take her to a movie showing of Grease at one of the nearby movie theaters as a surprise, on Tuesday. It's one of her favorite musicals/movies but she had never seen it on the movie screen and I've never seen it all the way through. It was actually pretty good! I hadn't ever sat down to watch it because seeing John Travola play this silly kid was pretty rough, but I just enjoyed it for what it was and ended up pretty happy that we went.
I realize a lot of the fears she has are from my inability to properly show her how I feel and that she means the world to me. I need to do a better job of being happy when I'm around her and (as GG puts it) making sure I handle my own buckets. Making sure I don't slosh all over her.
I've also been running and exercising a lot more. This helps to alleviate my depression. I hadn't run for 4 or 5 days and so I had to make up a day on Tuesday. Then yesterday I started week three, which is much more difficult than week two. It's supposed to be Monday, Wednesday, Friday, but because I'm playing catchup it's Tues-Fri this week. Half Weak indeed.
"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith
Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old