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Old 08-16-2012, 01:09 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,467

Originally Posted by Spooky View Post
So, being new to this, (the whole messy explanation can be found here) I find I feel very perplexed by the idea of multiple primaries, primaries/secondaries, etc. I mean, I get it, theoretically, but I find it hard to imagine the application to myself.

It's not that I desperately feel the need to slap a label on my relationships, it's just that coming from the traditional monogamous idea that the goal of relationships is to find someone you're so compatible with that you want to build a life with them, buy a house, have kids, that kind of thing, I find that's how I approach all relationships by default, which seems like it could be very exclusionary, and not so conducive to poly.
Well, if it's not what you want, then nobody is going to expect you to want it... but for others, multiple primaries means building a life, buying a house and having kids with more than one person at a time. All of the other things that you talk about are the same, just with multiple people. Can you talk a little more on why you find that perplexing.

Originally Posted by Spooky View Post
At the same time, I find it hard to imagine being interested in someone, but not that interested, and having them as a secondary.
That may well be how some folks think about secondaries but I don't. For a lot of poly folk, the definition of secondary is someone you don't live with and share day-to-day life decisions with. it has nothing to do with how interested you are in the person, how much you love them or anything like that. It just means that for whatever reason, whether it's the wishes of the parties involved, or the logistics of the situation, living together and sharing finances, etc. isn't something that is desired. Yes, it's a different type of relationship than the standard monogamous "get married, settle down and have kids" model.

Originally Posted by Spooky View Post
It worries me.
I wouldn't worry - if it's not what you foresee as wanting, then don't do it.

What DO you see as your ideal model for your poly relationship configuration?

Finally, thanks for coming and asking, and being prepared to learn. So many folks have these preconceived (and often incorrect) notions about what poly is, and refuse to budge. Having an open mind and asking for other folks' experiences is quite sensible, in my opinion.

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
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