Thread: Going poly?
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Old 08-16-2012, 03:21 AM
InLove InLove is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 5

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
So you and he had talked about and come to an agreement on some acceptable behaviours - you developed your own rules for the relationship, in other words. He broke those rules. By my definition, that is cheating on your relationship. It destroys the trust between you and damages the bond that you have.

I hope that makes sense, because we have had that "cheating" debate often in the past.
I think it's hard for me to see it as cheating because it wasn't physical, but it definitely was emotional so I suppose it is cheating in some form. It's kind of hard to wrap your head around when society has it's own "definitions" of cheating, ya know?

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post

Does his wife know that you are doing this and is what he is doing with you online something that his wife would consider breaking the rules of *their* agreement? If she doesn't know or doesn't agree to it, then he is quite possibly cheating on his wife with you. "Cheating" really doesn't have to involve orgasms - it's about breaking the agreements or vows that you made each other.

(Had one guy I spoke to get a handjob from a sex worker when away on business and claimed that it wasn't cheating on his wife because he didn't know the girl, had paid for it, and it wasn't intercourse - I wonder if his wife would have felt the same way about that?)
Yes, she's aware. We are still friends so I checked with her when things started going back towards flirting. We've discussed her boundaries.

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
Yes, fail hard the first time, and I wouldn't say that the second was a resounding success, either - each time, though, it got better and better. You folks have a head start on where I was at the time, so it may not take as many "learning experiences" for you to feel like it's working well for you. That having been said, nothing is ever perfect - there are always going to be times when you struggle a bit, but that doesn't mean that it's not working.

I don't think so, no. Did you enjoy it? Did you learn from it? Did you meet folks that helped you explore what you did and didn't want? Sounds like your answer was "yes" to all of those. So how could that be a mistake?

The question now is, knowing what your needs, wants and likes now are, whether the swing parties would still give you either fun or learning, or if they will feel empty, because you are wanting more?

I have to say, I wasn't a big fan either.

Upstate New York, where I live, is riddled with small towns. We have poly folks spread all over the rural areas. The trick is finding them!

I don't know what part of the country you are in, but there may be a poly group in a larger city nearby. Join up and get involved, and you may find that there are some poly folks "out in the sticks" that you wouldn't have found otherwise.

I really wish you luck on your journey.
I think I did at least get to test my own limits. Somehow I feared I'd be insanely jealous because when I was younger I had issues with being needy. If anything it allowed me to just take it as slow as I want and everyone was understanding when I said we can't go further than X. Eventually once the training wheels were off I saw how much it wasn't that big of a deal for me emotionally. My husband actually had the opposite feeling as he was not jealous at all and ended up being a little jealous. We worked through that. So I do think it helped at least see where our boundaries were and smooth out some bumps. However all that being said you are right about the empty feeling I really feel like I've moved past them. I like the fun casual sex, but I really want to make some real connections. Losing E was kind of a wake up call on that I think.

In a small town do you ever worry that someone is going to "find out" and actually say something? I worry sometimes as silly as that is. My parents don't live out here and neither do my husbands so that's safe, but we do have a child. I kind of worry about that especially since he's starting school. I'm definitely going to check the nearest city for a group.

Thanks for the book recommendations to the both of you. I'm glad I'm not the only one that didn't like it.
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