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Old 08-15-2012, 08:57 PM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: The Great Soggy Northeast
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Default the might-have-beens (the never-wills)

I have an incest problem.

It's not what you'd think. Unlike George Michael Bluth, I can leave my cousins well enough alone. No, it's more like... are any of you only children?

I don't know if anyone else does this, but since I lack siblings, I tend to adopt them into my world. Certain friendships feel like family. It works best when the other person is absolutely not relationship material, because friendship is also where I'd like to draw my mates from -- people I know and trust.

I'd like it, but I relegate so many people to sibling status that it feels wrong to contemplate them in any other way.

Under monogamous dating circumstances, this is not an issue. I can't very well be family with all of the single monos in the world, right? Poly takes a lot of people out of the pool without changing the ratio of compatible-to-incompatible. (Because no, polyamory doesn't mean we're good together in any way. Kind of like girls who like girls aren't automatically destined for coupledom, jokes about lesbians and moving vans be damned.) So I get these confusing vibes: this person might be open to poly, but I wouldn't date hir if you paid me because it's Just Wrong. Actually, there are second cousins in my family tree who would be less wrong to date, mostly because I don't know them very well and they feel very removed from what I consider "family".

This is why I haven't deleted my OKCupid profile. Way too many of the possible-poly-friendlies in my circle of friends are family and therefore out of the running. So I kind of have to meet strangers, make friends, and resolve not to count them as kin.

So annoying. So scary. I hate the process of getting to trust someone; I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop, to get hurt. CdM is an exceptional man for putting up with what approaches paranoia. He's gone more than one extra mile reassuring me he's trustworthy. His track record as a partner to my metamour helps a lot. So does his ability to keep his word. So did, that first summer, his willingness to wait for the right time and place for *cough* certain tremendous changes to our relationship.

How do I do it all over again? How do I justify rejecting the safe possibilities because they're too safe?

...

So far, I've looked at guys for the most part. I'm not confident enough about girls. Women. I'm really not confident about older women (by which I mean "over thirty-five and established"). But... what if I get involved with a lady and find I'm actually terrible at being with a lady? I already know I can feel romantically for any gender. It's the sex part that intimidates me. It intimidates me thinking about it with anyone not CdM, honestly. Is that a good thing or a bad thing when it comes to branching out, gender-wise?

I still have a lot of myths to kick when it comes to sex drive. I keep thinking everyone else must be screwing like rabbits, and here I am, pottering along wanting it maybe once or twice a week. If I'm average, a lot of people are lying about their desires, or else I'm only seeing the very sexual people because those are the ones who put themselves forward. I would appreciate a relationship with a grey-A or asexual person. No pressure. Kisses and cuddles, sure, but I don't need more sex. I'm getting quite enough. I'm satisfied. If I find I'm not, isn't that why I have hands?

I have a lot of love to give. I don't know that I have enough body to go around.
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