Thread: The L Word
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Old 08-15-2012, 08:41 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,551

In my monogamy-trained mind, if I say "I love you" to someone, something's supposed to change. It's supposed to be that moment in a relationship when everyone sucks in their breath, the sun breaks through the clouds, an orchestra plays romantic music, you look each other in the eyes, and all of a sudden, the relationship is more important or serious or... more something... than it was before.

What cockamamie bullshit I was handed, way back when I played with my Barbies, I suppose.

I would only tell someone I loved him after I let go of my expectations about what telling him would mean, and also of the need to hear it back. I have to reach a point where it is simply communicating how I feel, the delivery of a message, and nothing more, with no baggage or expectations attached to the telling. Because -- really -- loving someone is simple and expressing it should be no big deal. If someone has hangups about it, it may or may not be appropriate to confront them on it. But loving them and looking inward at ourselves we can do. If someone shows how fond of me he is and how much he cares about me in so many ways, I don't need to hear it. Truly, I don't.

So, I would say, the best thing to do is examine your motives. Why do you ache to tell him when you know he'd be uncomfortable with it? Ask yourself why you want to say it - visualize in your mind how you would like it to go if and when you do tell him and then take a good look at your fantasies around that moment. Would it be a test to see how he really feels? Our minds have such devious ways to try and find out if we are really as liked and loved as we hope. Keep drilling down to see what's underneath the urge, but don't give in to it. Not yet. Not until you're very clear about what saying it means to you. Believe me, the lessons you gain from NOT telling him yet can be profound.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:

Last edited by nycindie; 05-01-2014 at 08:13 AM.
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