I know about that. When I first told Lively I love him, he said, "Okay, okay, don't get crazy now." LOL.
That was about five or six months into our relationship (we've been together a little over a year now). He is very reserved, private, undemonstrative - especially in public - and doesn't like too much "relationship talk," and I suspect he would rather not talk about that heart-to-heart stuff at all if possible. I wear my heart on my sleeve, am very touchy-feely, and like to say what's on my mind. We are very different people.
I wrote in my blog here about the process I went through, internally, about telling him my feelings, so you can read it if you want. Our relationship is pretty relaxed and casual, not an entwined partnership. I knew I loved him well before I told him, but I also knew he would be a bit freaked out and "on alert" about what it would mean if I told him. I HAD TO RESPECT THAT. Huge lessons for me (!) in giving someone the space they need to be themselves. There was no need for me to vomit my feelings all over him - what good would that do? The most loving thing I could do was let him be himself, and not force him to hear or look at stuff he wasn't ready for. And he appreciates that a great deal - this I know for sure.
The only reason I chose to let him know is because I had come to terms with it myself. And by "it" I don't just mean the love I was feeling, but also my need to tell him. I examined my belief system surrounding that word, and how in my monogamy-trained mind, if I say "I love you" to someone, something's supposed to change. It's supposed to be that moment in a relationship when everyone sucks in their breath, the sun breaks through the clouds, an orchestra plays romantic music, you look each other in the eyes, and all of a sudden, the relationship is more important or serious or... more something... than it was before.
What cockamamie bullshit I was handed, way back when I played with my Barbies, I suppose.
I chose to tell Lively I loved him when I let go of my expectations about what telling him would mean, and also of the need to hear it back. I had to reach a point where it was simply communicating to him how I felt, the delivery of a message, and nothing more, with no baggage or expectations attached to the telling. Because -- really -- loving someone is simple and expressing it should be no big deal. If someone has hangups about it, it may or may not be appropriate to confront them on it. But loving them and looking inward at ourselves we can do. BTW, Lively has never said he loves me in fourteen months of being with him, but he shows how fond of me he is and how much he cares about me in so many ways, I don't need to hear it. Truly, I don't.
So, I would say, the best thing to do is examine your motives. Why do you ache to tell him when you know he'd be uncomfortable with it? Ask yourself why you want to say it - visualize in your mind how you would like it to go if and when you do tell him and then take a good look at your fantasies around that moment. Would it be a test to see how he really feels? Our minds have such devious ways to try and find out if we are really as liked and loved as we hope. Keep drilling down to see what's underneath the urge, but don't give in to it. Not yet. Not until you're very clear about what saying it means to you. Believe me, the lessons you gain from NOT telling him yet can be profound.
Hot chick in the city.
Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me.
Last edited by nycindie; 08-15-2012 at 09:33 PM.