I am still assuming “don’t ask, don’t tell” is the way to go but won’t bring it up.
Why not? It's just a temperature check. Never assume anything.
"Honey, are you still good on the "don't ask don't tell" agreement? I'm starting to feel a bit of a pinch on that, but can still operate ok with it. Where you at? Can we schedule some kind of appointment to go over current wants, needs, and limits? "
I know now isn’t the right time to talk about it – perhaps in a few months/years when I know out relationship has been very good for some time?
What? Why go THAT long without a temperature check? That's nuts. Nip it in the bud is better than letting something run amok and out of control.
You want a relationship here that is solid to the core? Or one that is solid only on the surface and hollow inside? (No judgement, you seek what you want in your life. Just confused because you SOUND like you want a solid. But you do not act in ways to support a solid.)
Do I continue to assume my wife simply wants me to be discreet and not let my activities interfere with our lives?
Never assume. At least check in. I'd check in one a month, regular. Just a basic "We still good? And let it GO if YOU
are still good. If your wife is NOT good? In my universe,
she has the responsibility to know and state wants, needs, and limits.
She does not choose to own her responsibility? Then she owns her resulting baggage herself. You cannot be a mind reader.
I think I’d like for things to be more open but not sure how to proceed.
So your wants have changed over time. You crave emotional intimacy from your wife that you are not getting.
It is one thing for her to want and need your activities with your Spice to be discreet and not paraded about in your mundane life. That's not unusual.
She might not want TMI details. That's not unusual.
But in my universe? She's denying you the right to support and nurture by trying to be like a whole significant part of your life does not exist at all,
and you want to share some non-TMI things with her. And she does not want to be Open to receiving it. So you are hurting a bit.
In my universe?
- You would be responsible for knowing and stating your wants, needs, and limits.
- You do not lie to me. Even lies of omission. Because I have the right to clear communication.
- You have the right to support and nurture.
- You have the right to constructive feedback.
Speak your truth to your wife. It's fine that you want poly and she wants swinging. But build the framework for how to be together in right relationship that fits your configuration. So you can STAY in right relationship to each other and things come and go in your Shared Life.
Otherwise you have no shared life, no relating back and both. Ergo not much relationship. Just surface solid. Hollow inside.
Then what? You would not be here asking if you wanted that.
I apologize if this is Hard to Hear. But while these things are hard to feel, or hard to think about, they aren't especially complicated. It's dead simple in my universe: People not wanting to hold up their ends of the rights and responsibility sticks for whatever reason. *shrug*
Talk to your wife and sort yourselves out. Stop shirking that duty to your marriage vows. I don't know how your marriage vows read, but I figure you made SOME kind of promises there that need upholding. So hold them up!