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Old 08-15-2012, 06:48 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,134

My DH was NOT great at articulation at the start. It isn't so much that he cannot articulate. It is that he comes from a background where articulation put you in the dog house. It took him a while to believe and then do and then see that I am different.

YES, if you tell me something I do not like to hear I may have a minor side GRRR moment. I still welcome the news. No, you are not in the dog house. I just need to steam valve on the side for a moment before I can return to this thing and address it like a sane person. I go ballistic at information withheld. I do not go ballistic at information given that I don't love to hear. There IS a difference.

He often would say "I don't know." To hem and haw and hedge his bets. He doesn't do that any more and he's much more up front but sometimes he gets stuck. To this day it still helps when he goes "I don't know" to ask him for his buckets.

"Alright. You do not know the metabucket answer from all your health buckets combined. Gimme the buckets separate then. How are you on this ...
  • In your BODY? Anything tense? Hurting? Stomach butterflies? Relaxed?
  • In your MIND? Mind racing and won't shut up? Mind stuck or slow as molasses?
  • In your HEART? Is it dark in there? Heavy? Sweetness and light?
  • In your SOUL? Hang time at the forge? Soaring? Where is spirit?

The other day I asked him on a minor issue -- "Hey, where you at? Can I go out to coffee with a friend?"

He goes "I don't know."

I sigh and go "Gimme buckets."

He thinks. Then answers slowly.

"Well... my body is tired. It was a long day at work. I did not sleep well last night. My mind heart is full and content. My brain is fried. I have crazy clients. You would not even believe! My soul? Um. My soul is peaceful. Content?"

I respond "So I'm getting 2 counts of tired, and 2 neutrals. So you really ought to nap and skip parenting duty tonight. And I really ought to schedule my date with the gals for later in the week so you have a chance to rest. Is that the ball park we are in?"

He blinks. "Um... yah?"

"Great! You get nap, I get to carry on and fix my calendar. Thanks!"

And I go off to do my thing cheerfully. And he gets to nap cheerfully. And nobody has any cows. All well with the world.

But seriously he used to make me CRAZY with the "I don't know" thing. It is fine not to know and need extra time to sort that out. If that is TRUE.

But do not default there because you wish to avoid having to think or do the work required to give me my right to clear communication. Do not avoid, shirk, or obfuscate. Just SPIT IT OUT. So I can know where we stand and I can move on to dealing with whatever it is on my end of the equation.

And I have a drop dead date -- because if I need to move a thing forward and make a decision and your indecision is holding me up? Then I need to move without taking your information on boardthen. And you cannot get mad at me for doing that because YOU declined to exercise your right/opportunity to get your information ON BOARD.

Everyone holds their own bag!

Maybe try the technique of asking him for his buckets separately rather than the Meta-bucket of all things combined in one answer? Get a better temperature check in bite sizes?


Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-15-2012 at 07:01 PM.
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