I was less firm about what I wanted when my wife and I married, but I was definitely poly before I knew what the word was. I'm in the same boat as you guys, although my wife is trying very hard to be accepting.
It's difficult, and therapy helps, but only if both parties are willing to talk. You have to be understanding, and go at a safe pace.
The girl from my blog (DragonTattoo) and her husband went through this same thing. They weren't ever really mono, but they were more swinger-ish before going poly. Before she went poly is more like it. Soo yeah, it's a recurring theme in our worlds.
I feel like this is a problem with our society not really accepting poly as something that's real or tolerated. "Yeah, okay, you go do that..." a year later, "wait, WHAT?!"
We all need to strive to be more understanding of our partners and help them. This is a difficult journey. We've felt this way our whole lives. They've known about our world and our thoughts for 4 years. Not a very long time to adjust. Especially when it's not slapping them in the fact that whole time.
Be patient, talk A LOT, and try to get them to understand that they are the world to you, and that your wanting to do this isn't a reflection of them, it's just who and how you are.
The "I don't know" response is something I get a lot. Don't blame them. My wife honestly doesn't know. It hurts her, but she has been taught by her crappy family to bury her feelings so she can't figure them out. That's the counselor's job to unravel. If they can't, time for a new counselor, imo. Our counselor unraveled my wife in about 10 seconds. Stuff I couldn't get her to tell me in years. And it's not my wife's fault. I just didn't know the right questions to ask.
Your husband needs to be ready and willing to accept the hard truths. He needs to stop allowing "I don't know" to be sufficient.
"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith
Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
Last edited by KyleKat; 08-15-2012 at 06:24 PM.