Lots of people already gave good thoughts. Here's my spin.
You guys did NOT agree to close up for pregnancy/child rearing.
Meanwhile, his interest in me waned. First, he didn't really want to spend time with me, telling me that he felt too tired.
Is it YOU? Or the realities of fatherhood?
Then, he stopped wanting to have sex with me, claiming a low sex drive due to exhaustion.
Could be tired. New parents often are.
Or is it turn off of the pregnant female? Lactating breasts? Aches and pains and kids underfoot nursing?
Was it couvade?
I have a hard time accepting his claim of exhaustion and low sex drive, since he will stay out extremely late to pursue other women.
And why is this done? To run away from the grown up business at home of being a present father? He made this baby didn't he? With you? Even if he's finding he's not cut out to be a father and he wants OUT of the marriage -- he needs to play like a grown up then and resolve it.
WHAT DOES HE WANT FROM YOU AND THE RELATIONSHIP? Honestly? You in or out?
I don't know what to do. I am so jealous. I didn't feel so jealous when we first started out, when I felt loved and wanted, but seeing him pursue these women when I so desperately want his attention but he denies me, it hurts so much.
Have you been checked for postpartum depression?
And heck ya, you'd be miffed. There's work at home to do with little babies and he's not being the partner he signed up to be when making these babies with you. He's not following through on a lot of promises.
If he did not WANT to make the babies, he should have been clear in his wants, needs, and limits from the start.
Again... WHAT DOES HE WANT FROM YOU AND THE RELATIONSHIP? Honestly? You in or out?
I've tried talking to him about it, but he says he doesn't enjoy spending time with me when I don't act happy, and I really really want him to want to spend time with me. I don't want to leave. I have young kids. I really love him. I wish I had never heard of polyamory. How do I fix this mess?
I do not think the problem is polyamory. I think the root of the problem is him shirking his father
responsibilities and his husband
responsibilities. He is not giving you clear communication. He is not giving you support and nurture. In short, in my universe?
He is in violation of MANY bullet points! And he would be in serious trouble because he is NOT in right relationship with me!
If he is depressed or you are from the experience of pregnancy and birthing and living with infants -- in my universe?
Get your health check ups and get on track as individuals.
- You are responsible for taking care of your own stuff.
That is first. I would start there.
Then have the talk.
What do you each want from this relationship? Wants, needs, limits. Are you both still IN or is he on the OUT? Be real. Be honest.
Get thee to counseling if you both still want to be IN this marriage.
Close down as much as possible -- if serious rships already in place, fine, but no dating NEW people! MAKE the time to work on THIS marriage. Time doesn't fall out of the sky. You MAKE it.
Get thee to a mediator or lawyer if you do not find that BOTH partners are IN and not likely to be in time
-- and take steps to amicable split. Clear and clean. No dragging it on longer than needed -- set it up to protect the children and get you on your feet then in a career. In a way that is fair and responsible. It takes two to tango and you guys created new life.
It it hard to feel. It is hard to think about. But really? This is not complicated.
Are we healthy and thinking in our right minds? (Get the health checks).
Once we are verified there? Are we IN or are we OUT of this marriage?
Then plan responsibly and ethically based on the answer to that Umbrella Question. You need to know where you stand.
Hang in there. *hugs*