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Old 08-15-2012, 02:52 AM
mercury mercury is offline
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Just to continue the story I told above. Even though I found out about the guy being in a polyamorous relationship just before our first date (because I discovered it, not because he told me), I still feel that he was a little bit deceptive in the way he behaved at first, in order to reel me in. (Maybe deceptive is not the word, but more like, used rhetoric in such a way that gave me a different perception than what was actually the case).

1) When I first asked him about his involvement with her, he said "Yeah, we're dating."

"We're dating" sounds a lot more casual than "she's my girlfriend" or "we're committed to this polyamory thing and as much as you might mean to me, she's the one I'm sticking with no matter what."

2) On our second date, he said, "I don't know what's going to happen in the future. She and I have an understanding that we might both meet people and branch off into traditional relationships."

This changed as soon as we had sex.

3) Also on the second date, when I asked why they didn't just break up when she was pushing for an open relationship and he didn't want it (at first), he said, "Well, we still care about each other." He was careful not to say "We still love each other."

Just those three things, really. But my point is, men are often going to downplay how committed they are to their girlfriend in order to reel you in. They know good and darn well that if a single new-to-poly woman hears, initially, how much he loves his girlfriend, how she is in fact a girlfriend and not just someone he's 'dating,' how he will never leave her no matter what, the woman isn't going to bite. So the way I see it, these men know exactly what they're doing. They're using words strategically -- not necessarily lying -- but using words in such a way that you don't know how much they're committed to their girlfriends. And this does not mean the single woman should be hoping for a guy who is uncommitted to his girlfriend. After all, if she's interested or open to poly, she shouldn't be secretly hoping for the primary couple's break-up. But if the guy uses words in such a way that he doesn't sound OVERLY committed to his primary (and he does, because he wants to reel the single woman in), the single woman is happy, she believes she has a chance of mattering to him just as much as the primary woman. The reality, unfortunately, is that that is often not the case. The primary woman matters more, and this will come out as the single/secondary woman gets involved. She just won't know it at first because the guy's been clever about how he words things and how he presents himself and the situation.

The guy I *was* involved with, I actually found out a little about him recently. I heard through the grapevine that he was courting a woman online, and that she was open to meeting him, but that as soon as she found out he was in an open relationship (through another friend, not the guy himself), she opted out. The reason she didn't know in the first place is that it doesn't say "open relationship" until the *last* paragraph of his profile (and there are a good 7 or 8 paragraphs/sections in his profile. And he apparently didn't mention it in his email exchanges.

Like I said, attempting to reel people in.

Just be honest.

Last edited by mercury; 08-15-2012 at 02:54 AM.
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