View Single Post
Old 12-08-2009, 09:49 PM
Malison Malison is offline
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 5

Hey guys, thanks again for putting so much thought into all this
We have done much thinking and talking together and on our own, and I'm kinda figuring out how to work through stuffs. But I did say I would respond, so:

Originally Posted by Winterfire View Post
I'm also a little resentful of my husband dating new women because I'm an introvert and it takes energy for me to have to get to know someone who may not even stick around for long.
This is also where I'm coming from, I'm very introverted, and I know for me it takes a long time to open up and start new relationships (friendships or otherwise). The "pressure" I referred to earlier is largely around the fact that my husband wants my friendship with his girlfriend to be at the same level, so to speak, as the one he has with my lover. Which started well over a year ago...I am feeling less pressured now though, and we've been able to spend time the three of us/four of us and I think we're aware to just let things develop as they will.

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Clarification questions:
Are you currently in a V or a triad?
Do the three of you live together?
The additional is a woman?
Is your husband looking for her to move in or just be able to hang out?
We are a V I suppose, though it began as more of a triad. The relationship between my husband and my lover has settled (nicely, I think) into a solid friendship, though it started out romantic/sexual. We do live together, it will be a year in February. We are MFM, and my husband's new relationship is with a woman. She has no desire to live with us, or any partner as far as I know (and there isn't room in our house!)

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I'm curious if you feel like THIS relationship (the added woman) is MORE work than the one between you and hubby was and/or with your other lover was?
Also is that only in reference to your emotional work or everyone's?
What I mean is-is this one more work for EVERYONE or only you and is the amount of work you need to do for this one at all comparable to the amount of work they had to do when you started the V?
That's a good question, and I'm not really sure...! It's been difficult to compare the two relationships as they both started very differently - my lover met my husband and I together, and essentially courted the both of us. It was heading more into triad territory, while this time 'round my husband and his girlfriend had been able to get to know each other online for months and only recently has she been spending time with myself and lover. I am referring to my own emotional work, and it has been more difficult on this side of things. My husband didn't seem to have any issues when our V started out, he kinda fell into compersion right away!

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Can you identify your territorial issues a little more clearly?
Well, I think a lot of it stems back to the introverted thing - I need a lot of alone time to recharge and the house can feel crowded and noisy with even one extra person around. We've been working on this - for ages I've been able to have my alone time early in the morning and this has been able to continue (mostly cuz everyone is still sleeping, ha!). I work a couple evenings a week, so it is time she can come over and they can do whatever. I've found that if I simply have a heads up that she (or anyone) will be there when I get home it eases that anxiety. Same goes for weekends, if I have some sort of idea when people will be around or not I can fit in time for me and myself

I did unexpectedly have a "jealousy trigger" when she slept over and I heard them having sex (old house, noise carries!) That was awkward and uncomfy....after much discussion I asked for "no sleepovers" until I got more used to the situation, and then it was she could sleep on the couch. Just this past weekend we all went out together and she stayed the night. I said that her and husband should take the bed and I would sleep with lover, and it was fine (they either didn't have sex or were quieter). I can see that at first I was being territorial about my bed/room. It was weird seeing stuff belonging to someone else all over the place, evidence of sex, and so on. They tidy up afterwards now and it seems to have fixed that, lol.

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
For me I would also have some control issues in respect to this right now. I like being the only woman in my poly grouping right now, but I don't always want that. I want my husband to have whatever makes him happy. I just want to be ready and able to receive another woman.
Yes! I think that is certainly part of it for me, and I agree that I want my partners to be able to have whatever makes them happy. GS made a great point about the "ego" early on, and that really strikes home. I sometimes feel like I have to stomp my feet and make a fuss and just tantrum it out. Once that's over though, I can take a step back and see what's actually going on rather than being dragged on an emotional roller coaster! I certainly don't want to topple everything, and it feels like I'm on a better track now.

Hope I answered most of your questions!

Reply With Quote