I believe acting happy encourages him to want to spend time with me. No, it hasn't made him want to spend time with me, but I think of it like this: Would he rather spend time with the wife who greets him every day with a smile and a beer or the one who greets him with complaints if at all?
How do I find poly-friendly counselors? At one point, I looked for one by asking on the local poly group, but no one could think of a male poly-aware counselor, and my husband refuses to see a woman.
I wouldn't describe myself as okay with non-monogamy, given how our marriage is right now, but it's not a hard limit, either. I'd leave if he beat our kids or gambled us into poverty, but as long as we parent and run a household effectively, I'll stay, even knowing that he will probably not change. When I think of "fixing this," I would love it if fixing it was finding a way to make him love me, but more realistically, I think it's "How do I find acceptance? How do I find happiness? How do I get past the jealousy?" while I feel starving for his love, attention, and affection and he pursues others? I definitely think the advice of working on fixing what I do have is dead-on: I spend a lot of time wondering if he'd have these lovers if I hadn't agreed to this in the first place; if it would be easier for me if he was cheating (and maybe I wouldn't know about the partners); etc...