Thread: Going poly?
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Old 08-14-2012, 08:26 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,467

First up, welcome to the forum. And thank you for sharing your story with us. It's interesting that you went the way you did, and I think that it was great that you discussed it together and agreed to try things.

Before I get to your questions at the end, I have one point about something you said...

Originally Posted by InLove View Post
After giving birth I found out husband had done some things he wasn't suppose to and lied to me about them. No cheating, but it was still against our agreement.
So you and he had talked about and come to an agreement on some acceptable behaviours - you developed your own rules for the relationship, in other words. He broke those rules. By my definition, that is cheating on your relationship. It destroys the trust between you and damages the bond that you have.

I hope that makes sense, because we have had that "cheating" debate often in the past.

Related to that...

Originally Posted by InLove View Post
Lately I've been talking to E on facebook those conversations have gotten more intimate.
Does his wife know that you are doing this and is what he is doing with you online something that his wife would consider breaking the rules of *their* agreement? If she doesn't know or doesn't agree to it, then he is quite possibly cheating on his wife with you. "Cheating" really doesn't have to involve orgasms - it's about breaking the agreements or vows that you made each other.

(Had one guy I spoke to get a handjob from a sex worker when away on business and claimed that it wasn't cheating on his wife because he didn't know the girl, had paid for it, and it wasn't intercourse - I wonder if his wife would have felt the same way about that?)

Originally Posted by InLove View Post
Did anyone else fail hard the first time, but was able to make it work the second?
Yes, fail hard the first time, and I wouldn't say that the second was a resounding success, either - each time, though, it got better and better. You folks have a head start on where I was at the time, so it may not take as many "learning experiences" for you to feel like it's working well for you. That having been said, nothing is ever perfect - there are always going to be times when you struggle a bit, but that doesn't mean that it's not working.

Originally Posted by InLove View Post
Was it a mistake to go to the swinging parties (they were alot of fun!)?
I don't think so, no. Did you enjoy it? Did you learn from it? Did you meet folks that helped you explore what you did and didn't want? Sounds like your answer was "yes" to all of those. So how could that be a mistake?

The question now is, knowing what your needs, wants and likes now are, whether the swing parties would still give you either fun or learning, or if they will feel empty, because you are wanting more?

Originally Posted by InLove View Post
I've read opening up, but somehow I didn't really like it all that much.
I have to say, I wasn't a big fan either.

Originally Posted by InLove View Post
I guess I'm looking for any helpful advice or tips? I'd love to hear from those of you who live in a small town.
Upstate New York, where I live, is riddled with small towns. We have poly folks spread all over the rural areas. The trick is finding them!

I don't know what part of the country you are in, but there may be a poly group in a larger city nearby. Join up and get involved, and you may find that there are some poly folks "out in the sticks" that you wouldn't have found otherwise.

I really wish you luck on your journey.

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
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