rory, I love what you have to say about autonomy. I don't think its selfish at all. This summer, when my husband and I were in a pretty deep crisis, and thinking about wether the whole poly thing was worth it, I remember thinking "what would I do if he asks me to choose?" (he wasn't asking me that, I was just wondering about that possibility).
And I remember thinking "I would choose me."
The choice would not be for him or a boyfriend or whatever. It would not be a choice against anyone, it would be making a positive choice in favor of me. I would choose me. And it was such an empowering thought.
I had forgotten about it a little, thanks for reminding me