rory - I find your point about autonomy interesting. Sago and I also really value this, and it's the foundation of how we respect each other.
When I ask S for his opinion about the things I want, he often replies in a similar fashion to Alec, i.e. true statement acknowledging my autonomy.
However, it seems what I often need in these situations is to hear whether this is something he can cope with, that he's okay to accommodate... that sort of thing. Usually he doesn't know for sure (who does) but if it's raising any flags for him I want to know. Even if it won't ultimately change my wants/needs... I do still genuinely want to understand his perspective on it so I can feed that back in to how I behave, or consider my own options.
One of the best things S ever said to me was "I care about our relationship too much to fuck it up by not communicating with you when I need to, if something is bothering me." With that understanding, I think we can navigate many 'un-negotiable' needs/desires.
Mya - sorry to hear about things tense with JJ, and also sad with Bob.
Good luck with your move, all of you. Lots of love