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Old 08-14-2012, 01:45 PM
rembrandt88 rembrandt88 is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 21

So why do you tell us that and not her?
I definitely understand that I need to communicate to her what and how much I want to hear about them. At the moment I was just trying to sort out the turmoil of her telling me about it and her asking about going back to monogamy.

So you did not set a clear limit before you opened up?

Example limit: That it would be the summer of explore for both, and come September both would close regardless of the experiment results of either party.
We didn't set any sort of limit like that, no.

And now you are feeling kinda tit for tat -- and your summer did not yield an exploration partner? Is that about it? And/or you are over being in a closed rship for a while? Because while you missed her you enjoyed being open to possibilities?
It's not really tit for tat. I would like the opportunity to continue to explore my needs and poly, but I wanted that before she had found a partner. Following her having explored, I would like her to support my explorations too. I don't know what you mean by 'over' closed relationships for a while, but it sounds close. I want her to be my primary - life-partner, but I feel like I can't go back to a long-term closed relationship without exploring this enough to know how I feel.

You do not HAVE to agree to close back down. She can choose to on her end, but she cannot expect it of you on yours. (Unless you promised this -- in which case you have to ask to be set free of that promise. And do not promise things in future you cannot keep.)
We made no such promise. The 'limit' thing would have been a promise I might not have been able to keep too.

But I find it odd you went there without a clear limit. So I wonder/worry that maybe you didn't cover THIS possibility with her either: That the experiment time would yield her wanting to close back up and you wanting to stay open ended.
We didn't cover this possibility or even talk about what the possible outcomes are of this exploration.

So when you renegotiate your new agreement for the fall semester, get all your wants, needs, and limits organized for how you two will operate together in the new term. Be honest, be clear, be firm about what it is your are looking for in this next phase. Sort yourselves out.

Even if it means an amicable parting because you both have changed in your wants, needs, and limits.
I started writing what my needs and wants are limitations are after finishing Opening Up a few weeks ago. When she gets back we will be sitting down to discuss our needs/wants/limitations and see where things go from there.

For the first time we will be officially living together. In the past we 'lived together' but she always had a place to go back to (She never went back).

Thanks for you help!
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