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Old 08-14-2012, 01:06 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Quote:
She returns tomorrow. Tonight, we talked about some stuff. She isn't sure about poly anymore because she doesn't like having to leave him?
Plus: She is reporting her findings. So she's communicating and that's good.
After her experiment she has come to find what? She'd rather be in a closed situation. This is her preference.

Quote:
The thing that bothers me is that she tells me about some of their intimate situations in depth. Then follows by asking me if when she returns we can be monogamous again. Then following that with more sexual intimate details about what they did. I find this all troublesome and, in combination with her strong feelings for him, rather upsetting.

So why do you tell us that and not her?
"Hon, thanks for being open and honest. But listen -- telling me sex details and then that you want to be closed when you return and then more sex details upsets me when it's back to back like that. It stirs up my feelings like -- man, we opened to explore, and in this time she found someone to explore with and I did not. That's not your fault but I need more time to digest it all. Don't overload me with details. "

Quote:
From my point of view, if she doesn't want to be involved with other people she doesn't have to be, but I don't think I should feel compelled to give up my freedom. Especially, when I have supported her in this exploration of a new interest.

Does anyone have some thoughts or opinions?
So you did not set a clear limit before you opened up?

Example limit: That it would be the summer of explore for both, and come September both would close regardless of the experiment results of either party.

And now you are feeling kinda tit for tat -- and your summer did not yield an exploration partner? Is that about it? And/or you are over being in a closed rship for a while? Because while you missed her you enjoyed being open to possibilities?

You do not HAVE to agree to close back down. She can choose to on her end, but she cannot expect it of you on yours. (Unless you promised this -- in which case you have to ask to be set free of that promise. And do not promise things in future you cannot keep.)

But I find it odd you went there without a clear limit. So I wonder/worry that maybe you didn't cover THIS possibility with her either: That the experiment time would yield her wanting to close back up and you wanting to stay open ended.

So when you renegotiate your new agreement for the fall semester, get all your wants, needs, and limits organized for how you two will operate together in the new term. Be honest, be clear, be firm about what it is your are looking for in this next phase. Sort yourselves out.

Even if it means an amicable parting because you both have changed in your wants, needs, and limits.

GL!

GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-14-2012 at 01:09 PM.
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