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Old 08-14-2012, 12:51 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Illinois
Posts: 284

I would argue that the reason you're finding difficulty in the monogamy world is not because you're a lesbian and/or dating other lesbians, but because you aren't finding the right people. I don't know your personality (introvert? extrovert?) but it sounds like you're picking people you clash with.

To take a page from GG (and hopefully she'll correct me if I screw this up), there are quite a few different relationship dynamics even when it's just you and one other person.

You to You (yourself as part of a larger couple)
GF to GF (how they are as part of the larger couple)
You to GF
GF to You
You + GF (as a team)

First you need to figure out the You to You part. How do you act when you're in a relationship? Do you take the alpha spot and make decisions and plans and organize? Do you take a back seat? Do you prefer lots of contact? Lots of space? What makes it work for you? What don't you like?

With almost every relationship that fails, the major building block that's missing is communication. Do you effectively tell your significant others that you are feeling smothered? Do you tell them that you don't want to be that close all the time? How do you tell them? Do you yell it at them during a fight or sit them down and say, "I can't do this for you. I love you, but this makes me squeamish. I know it's not you, I know it's me, but we have to have a middle ground."

Stop worrying so much about if you have a house/car/white picket fence/a cat/a dog/flowers in your garden/stuff you can only have with a partner. You're putting way too much pressure on any future prospects. Like them for who they are, and if they become life-long significant other material, then you'll get what you wanted.

On to your other question: No, I do not think you should be a secondary without a primary. Not because I don't think that dynamic can't work (I'm sure it can), but you already answered how it will make you feel. Like someone that only gets attention when hubby isn't around.
"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith

Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
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