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Old 08-14-2012, 12:24 PM
rembrandt88 rembrandt88 is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 21

Love/NRE - totally different things - do you have a semi-objective idea about which this is? Are you sure you can "tell?" I don't know how long she'd known him before you posted on the 3rd saying they were just becoming sexual but - I imagine if you were totally immersed in spending time with somebody every single day as if you were monogamous you would be more aware of not wanting to leave somebody because it seems so..."important" - things can be less intense with local partners in general since you have to balance things from the beginning, which is why some people don't like long distance relationships. If she was seeing him a couple times a week but you the other nights, it might feel less of a big deal to her.
I suppose this becomes a bit about semantics and how one might define love, but NRE could play a role as well. They have been spending a lot of time together for about 2 months straight with the sexual stuff beginning somewhere in the last third. I definitely agree that if I was around it might have been different, but I wasn't and I don't really want to limit things like that. That may be a limit she needs for herself though. We can talk about that. Although, the feeling like it was a monogamous situation may have been why in the end of it makes her feel uncomfortable or upset.

Then you should've said that ASAP about what was OK for her to share with you, but since you didn't, draw your boundaries now. My first marriage ended because instead of my ex saying "I feel this" in regards to my first extra-marital relationship so he didn't rock the boat, he kept it to himself and bad things happened (as in 24 hours later). #1 in any relationship is going to be honesty. It sounds like this is two parts
1 - she's telling me about her private experiences - maybe he doesn't want you to know and she doesn't have the OK to disclose? If she was more sensitive she might have asked if you want to hear? (it seems pretty naive or rude to not ask about what your comfort level is). Also she might be rubbing it in/trying to elicit jealousy? Tell her what is making you uncomfortable, and ask her to keep those things to herself if they have no useful reason to be brought up.
2 - she seeks assurance that you are not interested in seeing anybody and would like to close the relationship when she gets back. Well, is that OK? You haven't met anybody, you won't be breaking anybodies heart if you go back to being closed. Of course I imagine you were at least part of the decision to open the relationship - so it sounds like you do not want to be monogamous again, even if nothing happens, you want to be open? Have you asked her WHY she wants to close the relationship since she has experienced being open, is she afraid you'll make a connection like she did, is it because she has decided having other connections lead to sorrow, is it because of something else?
1- Yeah, sometimes she can be insensitive and I usually try to point out that she is being that way. The thing is I don't really mind hearing about it, but with the combination of asking me if we can go back to monogamy it stirs my emotions and makes it hard to hear. I will have to do a better job of communicating when I don't feel like hearing about it any longer. She does talk about him a lot since she spent a lot of time with him recently. Generally, her and I talk about everything, so communication is rather good between us. Also, she may be trying to illicit jealousy. She has done things to illicit jealousy before and I have pointed it out her without getting upset. If that is that case what would you recommend me do?

2- I definitely don't want to go back to having a monogamous relationship, at the moment, even if nothing happens. Yes, I was part of the decision to be open. I brought up the idea in our closed relationship. This is a good point, I will ask her why she wants to go back. I can make some guess' but I suppose I feel like I should stop guessing and start inquiring. (That being said, she is returning to a very rigorous college curriculum where she won't have much time for another partner.)

Well sure, you aren't compelled, what do you want?
Right, now I want freedom to explore being poly. I am aware of the different styles of poly/open relationships, but I am not sure what I am looking for in another person. I do recognize that I have the need for a variety of partners to have intimate sexual encounters with, but largely prefer those people to not be one-night stands. Outside of all of that, I still want to be primary partners with her and really enjoy the dynamic we share.

Thank you very much for your reply Anneintherain.
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