View Single Post
Old 08-14-2012, 08:19 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 826

Originally Posted by rembrandt88 View Post
She returns tomorrow. Tonight, we talked about some stuff. She isn't sure about poly anymore because she doesn't like having to leave him? I can tell she loves him, which I am okay with. Sometimes some of her words appear a bit comparative between us, which I could live with out, but we can work through.
Love/NRE - totally different things - do you have a semi-objective idea about which this is? Are you sure you can "tell?" I don't know how long she'd known him before you posted on the 3rd saying they were just becoming sexual but - I imagine if you were totally immersed in spending time with somebody every single day as if you were monogamous you would be more aware of not wanting to leave somebody because it seems so..."important" - things can be less intense with local partners in general since you have to balance things from the beginning, which is why some people don't like long distance relationships. If she was seeing him a couple times a week but you the other nights, it might feel less of a big deal to her.
Originally Posted by rembrandt88 View Post
The thing that bothers me is that she tells me about some of their intimate situations in depth. Then follows by asking me if when she returns we an be monogamous again. Then following that with more sexual intimate details about what they did. I find this all troublesome and, in combination with her strong feelings for him, rather upsetting.
Then you should've said that ASAP about what was OK for her to share with you, but since you didn't, draw your boundaries now. My first marriage ended because instead of my ex saying "I feel this" in regards to my first extra-marital relationship so he didn't rock the boat, he kept it to himself and bad things happened (as in 24 hours later). #1 in any relationship is going to be honesty. It sounds like this is two parts
1 - she's telling me about her private experiences - maybe he doesn't want you to know and she doesn't have the OK to disclose? If she was more sensitive she might have asked if you want to hear? (it seems pretty naive or rude to not ask about what your comfort level is). Also she might be rubbing it in/trying to elicit jealousy? Tell her what is making you uncomfortable, and ask her to keep those things to herself if they have no useful reason to be brought up.
2 - she seeks assurance that you are not interested in seeing anybody and would like to close the relationship when she gets back. Well, is that OK? You haven't met anybody, you won't be breaking anybodies heart if you go back to being closed. Of course I imagine you were at least part of the decision to open the relationship - so it sounds like you do not want to be monogamous again, even if nothing happens, you want to be open? Have you asked her WHY she wants to close the relationship since she has experienced being open, is she afraid you'll make a connection like she did, is it because she has decided having other connections lead to sorrow, is it because of something else?

Originally Posted by rembrandt88 View Post
From my point of view, if she doesn't want to be involved with other people she doesn't have to be, but I don't think I should feel compelled to give up my freedom. Especially, when I have supported her in this exploration of a new interest.

Does anyone have some thoughts or opinions?
Well sure, you aren't compelled, what do you want?
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote