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Old 08-14-2012, 12:54 AM
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Storm77 Storm77 is offline
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Well not going on and on to cause problems... we're doing pretty good today but as I am typing this it's turning into giving our history and I guess my thinking out loud or in txt.

Yeah T and I have been that bad, I believe that was our worst time at the old apartment. The resentment grew, I daily said how it feels like we're just roommates, I thought of her as a lazy child, like I was a parent that had to take care of my kid. I was in the same boat, I felt sick, disgusted when she would touch me, even when I was horny it was at the point thinking "with you!?" Yeah it may be personal but others may have had it happen when it's so bad the body just doesn't respond.

She's always been ok if I looked at porn, cybered, etc since I worked with adult websites even before we met. I think that was the bottom of the pit if that was not there I would have not had anything stopping my fall. It would have been over years ago when we hit those worst times.

Quote:
Thinking of S and P as I type this...
I would call her my kid in a joking way just to deal with it, a way to just cope with it all. Till one day I was babying her on the street asking if shes ok and she snapped saying QUIT TREATING ME LIKE A FUCKING CHILD! My response was QUIT ACTING LIKE ONE! I NOT A PEDO, I MARRIED A WOMAN WHERE THE FUCK DID SHE GO!? as I gentle shook her shoulders looking into her eyes. Shes has such a huge wall up I guess it cracked a little that day.

The biggest problem over the years. I'm passive, I'll do my part but wait to see if she loves me (from my pov) if she will follow true on her promises to talk, to work on our relationship. When she flakes out I feel hurt and stop working on it too, the resentment builds. Till it builds weeks later when I insult her or my anger and resentment shows. Then she is surprised asking where the hell did this come from, what did I do!? We have been doing so good... Not from my perspective.

That has been the history of our relationship since early on (over 10 years), I wait for her to show she loves me when she doesn't show it (in a way I can understand) I don't want to hurt her, I bottle up the pain and feelings of neglect as long as I possibly can till it needs to come out somewhere. I explode, I yell telling her how I feel, shes shocked, cries.. We both cry, both promise to do what is needed to keep the relationship going. I feel in bliss for 1-2 days, 3-4 coming down slowly slide to normal. 4th plus shes mostly back to our normal as it were. But yes the problem is I never remind her, I figured she made the promises if she loves me and cares about the relationship isn't it important enough to remember and continue to work on it.

I was worried yesterday with my feelings. With the thought of how yeah the sex was balanced or lack there of when I'm her husband, I'm the primary. Of course this shot up the feelings of does she really love me... as much... feelings spinning out of control. Further increasing my panic to find my 2nd relationship, as I wrote thinking should I just look for whoever I can get, for whatever I can get to keep this relationship together.

It's been maybe 5 years since I "shut down" like I did... again. She had no clue as we lay in bed asking what's wrong. In my mind I was thinking to myself FUaaaaaaCK is it over!? If I find someone I like to meet my needs, if T and I ignore our issues as usual. We will both have an "out" now. Will she take hers, will I take mine or just continue in pain, or will the my 2nd help to null our primary problems.

I can't remember what I said next I was too out of it, something about if we break up. More of a possibility since we opened this damn door.

Well... Aug 13th - Day 1...
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