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Old 08-13-2012, 11:48 AM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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Originally Posted by Aaronp View Post
We deal with insecurity differently, hence our dilemma. Her confidence is poor because of past abusive relationships and she cannot seem to work on it. She wants to, and says she is trying, but after more than a year I feel like it is only getting worse. I can't even talk to another women without her freaking out (by that I mean full on crying/passive-aggressive behavior/accusations etc.). She sees what she does and feels terrible about it, always apologizing after the communication has ended (with the other girl usually terrified of us). She knows this is tearing us apart and always says she will be better next time and that I should go out and meet other girls...But I don't want to anymore when I have that cloud of drama just waiting for me to try anything.
Italics mine.

People who come out of abusive situations don't come out the way they went in. Some emerge with a touch of PTSD, complete with triggers -- situations that send them back into the old headspace, setting off old emotions like it's all happening now. She apologises to you for her behavior, but I think you also should take a look at hers and what it might be telling you about her ability to cope.

Her having to be sorry that she's cockblocking you because of something in her brain makes about as much sense as me having to be sorry I get panic attacks. Not that you make her be sorry, but something in her sees that she needs to be, and I have to wonder whether she's seeing something in your behavior that sets off that particular inner dialogue.

I have thought hard about going mono. I have done nothing more with outside partners than a couple "first dates" with kissing over the last year. No sex or emotional connections so I feel mono whether I am or not.
We have talked about finding counselling for her, but we are both students on the verge of bankruptcy.
And yet you spell "arse" and "counselling" like you live in a country with some kind of health care for situations like this. You know, Not Effing America. Have you tried Googling "abuse survivors [your country here]"?

We have talked about her insecurities and ways to deal with them ad nauseam. She knows the theory behind how to meditate and live in the moment without emotions taking over, but theory does not turn into reality with her. She says she "just can't do it".
Have you considered adjusting your language around "her insecurities"? This is not sounding like insecurity to me in the traditional sense. This is sounding like a situation for a mental health professional, because a) you're not one and b) they have more in their toolbags than what sounds very much like Buddhism in place of actual therapy. Buddhism is not therapy. Zen is zen, PTSD is PTSD, and I don't believe one ought to apply the former to the latter and expect results.
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