As of now -
Global boundaries: condoms if not within the 3 of us, keep the members of the Vee in the loop if relationships/sexual intimacy with others is evolving, other partners can dictate the boundaries of their relationships but not mine/ours.
Case-by-Case: these are things that depend on my relationship with my potential metamour - can they come to my house? can they have sex in my bed? can they meet my family? That depends...on how much I trust them to be careful with the heart(s) of my love(s) and whether they care about ME or are just in it for themselves (this is mostly theoretical - there was one test case that forced me to realize that I did, in fact, have boundaries in this regard).
Privacy, I think, is also on a case-by-case basis - both of the boys feel that anything they share with me, conversations, sexual details, etc. are not privileged amongst the 3 of us. I'm ok with them sharing “me stuff” between the two of them but uncomfortable with me sharing “them stuff” with the other (unless I feel it is vital to the health of the whole dynamic) even though they have both said it was ok.
Each of them also gives me the option of sharing or not when asking me a question - for instance, MrS knew that Dude and I had a disagreement/argument about sex the other week...a few days later Dude and I had a deep conversation addressing it - which was partially satisfactory. MrS (who is absolutely awesome about supporting me - his wife, and Dude - his best friend in getting through our shit without taking sides – Dude and I have no idea how he does it so skillfully without prior experience) asked if I could share the gist of the problem with him so we could have a more detailed conversation about it. NOT demanding. I already have Dude's permission to share anything I need to with MrS - so I was able to give him a synopsis withOUT feeling like I had violated anyone's privacy.
(Having said all of this – MrS still has a “knight-in-shining-armour” response if he hears something that tweaks his “ save-the-damsel-in-distress” button – apparently I have a tone to my voice that says “I mean it” - and if he hears this, no matter how innocent the context – he is there with swords metaphorically drawn ready to “save” me – I have to admit that I appreciate this, and that I, now, purposefully regulate the tone of my voice so as to NOT trigger this response unnecessarily.)
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (23+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (4+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
Lotus: "it's complicated"
SLeW: platonic girlfriend + BFF
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.
My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe