Originally Posted by Wolfwood
Okay, my main question is, "at what point did your SO tell you about his primary poly relationship?" My primary-girlfriend (Kemie) and I have differing opinions on when it is proper to discuss this. I don't always feel the need to share intimate details of my private life on a first date with a girl. In fact, I tend to refrain from giving too many details unless I get the feeling it could turn into something more serious. My girlfriend, on the other hand, takes the opposite approach and lets guys know before any dating ever happens. I am looking for some real world examples of how other poly guys approach dating, specifically from a female perspective. So, without further ado, here are my questions:
Did you know your SO before you started dating?
At what point did he tell you about his primary relationship and was it before you both slept together?
Did you meet his primary relationship and, if so, at what point in the relationship did you meet them?
I'd like as many real examples I can get. I specifically want to hear from people who met their SO while online dating (I met most of my non-primary relationships via online dating). I've also been known to pick-up girls in bars and other social events.
If guys would like to chime in on how they approach meeting and dating secondaries, then that would also be helpful. What are your success stories?
Thank you for your time!
-Wolf (primary of Kemie)
a female secondary, and here's how it went down. We met on a dating site. He had himself listed as single and straight. There was absolutely no trace of his being in an open relationship on his profile. He and I talked online for two weeks, then he pushed for a coffee meeting. I said okay. Just before we went on it, though, I found out from a random look at a distant acquaintance's Facebook page that he was with her, was her boyfriend. On the phone just before our first date, I asked him about it. "Are you in a relationship with ____? Is it that you guys are in an open relationship?"
He said yes, they are, and that their plan was to tell dates on the first date. I have no way of knowing if that is true or not. It seems a reasonable plan, but you know, for all I know, he wasn't going to tell me for several dates, and only just told me because I found out beforehand.
I think what he did was okay (if he was in fact going to tell me on the first date, first thing). But NO LATER THAN THAT. Mind you, and that's only because our first date was within two weeks. I would never wait for beyond two weeks to tell someone something like that.
And technically, I think one should just have it on their profile in the first place. Don't waste people's time with your semblance of singleness when you're actually in an open relationship.
I've noticed that he's since changed his profile to reflect that he's in an open relationship. However, it is way, way down at the bottom of his page. There is tons of information about him that comes way before that last paragraph that says he's in an open relationship. I think most women aren't seeing it.
I happen to know that there was a girl talking to him recently who didn't know he was in an open relationship. She was told so by a friend of hers, and then she went back to this profile and saw it and said "Okay...no."
Not only should one mention it on one's online profile, but it should be at the top, where people will see it.
I think what it is, is that some poly/open people think they can talk people into the situation if they can just get an in-person date. And that's not a bad approach, really.
What happened in my situation is that I said "no thanks" after I found out he was in an open relationship, but then he said "I mean, we could just meet for coffee as friends..."
And he and I ended up hitting it off. It wasn't so much that he was irresistable or anything, though (however, he was very cute); I was also in a place of trying to get over a guy from before him. So I almost didn't care that I was getting into a messy situation; anything to get over the guy from before.
All this being said, I think people need to mention it right away. Most people can make the most objective decision before they even have a full date with you. If you're trying to lure them in with your personality and sex appeal, it may work (and that's to your credit), but I think it'd be more ethical for a poly person to just let the person make a decision based on whether they think poly is for them or not, completely free from your charms/sex appeal.