So, it's been an interesting, and bumpy, month, and I thought I'd come update.
Not too long after posting this, I read The Ethical Slut and it caused me to re-examine how I felt about a lot of things, and to realize I was in denial about my crush and I really, really did want to be able to pursue something with him.
I suggested my husband read The Ethical Slut also, and that lead to him wanting to know why, so while I'd planned on giving him time to adjust to the whole idea, instead the truth came spilling out that I wanted to be able to have a boyfriend. My husband was definitely not exactly happy, but he actually took the whole thing rather well, and didn't outright say no to the idea as I'd feared he might. But then came my introduction to how painfully slowly he takes these things, when he said something like, "Well, we'll be moving in a year (when I finish school) so it doesn't really matter until then anyway."
I left it alone, figuring that was very good progress for one night and didn't want to push him, and instead went and talked to my crush. Turns out we both were pretty sure the feelings were mutual, but hadn't discussed it and certainly hadn't discussed any options. As it happens, he's very open to the idea of a poly relationship, though never been in one, and had already done his own reading in the past. So, given that, I decided the next night to tell my husband there was a reason why I was bringing all of this up now, and revealed my crush. Again, he wasn't happy, but really took it pretty well, and said he'd think on it. So, I'm still not allowed to act, but at least my feelings are known.
Since then I think there's been some small progress. He's read some of The Ethical Slut, but not much. He's gone from being upset at finding out I'd watched a movie alone with my crush at his place (I'd mistakenly thought it was pretty clear I'd be hanging out with him alone part of the time), to being ok with that. My crush lives 3 hours away in my hometown, so I've been visiting on the weekends. He's also gone from referring to him very sarcastically as "my boyfriend" to saying it rather matter of factly it seems. I might be reading too much into that one though, because I'm kind of starved for feedback since he moves so slowly on thinking or talking about any of this.
Overall, I've been trying really hard to make sure my husband feels secure and loved, but sometimes I'm so frustrated with how slowly he's going about it, that it's really hard not to be impatient with him, even though I understand it's a thing that takes a lot of time to accept. Strangely enough, to me anyway, he seems to have dealt very well with the bit of jealousy he's experienced, but freaks out about friends knowing and what people are going to think.
In the meantime, my crush has turned into full on puppy love, which certainly isn't helping me be any more patient. And now I feel so torn between wanting to spend time with this friend who I care about and have all kinds of pleasant, warm, fuzzy feelings for, and knowing I need to give my husband time and support, even when things are rough. I used to always cut and run when this cropped up in previous relationships, and it's so hard to fight that instinct. I know I'd never have gotten even this far if we weren't married, but our marriage was already under some stress due to the disparity in libido. So, right now I'm feeling so lost as to how I'm going to manage the level of patience it seems he's going to need to get us through this.