I'm going through the hardest thing of my life right now. We've been together for eons (13.5 yrs). We started to revamp our relationship 20 months ago, became engaged June 2011, and recently opened up our relationship (at my suggestion) in May.
As our wedding date got closer (10.12.12) I struggled big time with the idea of getting married. I started therapy at the end of June. In the middle of July a situation that my fiancee's gf, Shasti*, presented brought my fiancee and I closer than ever because of our discussions about the situation she presented. With that, the last of my reserve towards our relationship crumbled and I fell totally, madly in love with him to a level I have never before experienced with anyone. How odd to be with someone so long to find that you are nuts about them. How heartbreaking for it not to be reciprocated in kind. (He loves me totally, it's just not a new feeling for him.)
He's trying to be what I need him to be, but his focus isn't really here with me. It's on her, even when he's with me, he's not really fully present. He tries to be, but his attention is lacking the focus it used to have.
Now it seems like he's going through the motions to placate me, but that's all they are - motions, and I'm feeling so needy. I want him to light up when he sees me. I want him to be thinking of me (in a good way) when we're apart.
I need to get a handle on this. I'm ruining the time we get to spend together and I'm ruining his time when he gets to see her. He's pushing me to find someone to spend time with other than himself. My heart isn't in it, but I'm trying. He has done a 180 on his attitude towards the men who contact me, which comes across as "anyone will do, please just find someone," whereas before he didn't think anyone was good enough for me.
We're into the last 60 days before our wedding. Prior to mid-July I couldn't get excited about our wedding, but now that I'm excited to be marrying him, it's heartbreaking that my groom isn't excited, and wants to be spending time with Shasti, and is feeling guilty. I am feeling so robbed.
Last night he offered to break things off with her. I've rarely seen him cry in all the years we've been together, but that broke him and in turn broke me. I can't let him do that. I think it'll hurt all three of us if he does. I don't want a heartbroken groom. I want a happy, fulfilled groom. As much as I want to close things back up, I don't want to feel like I've failed at polyamory.
I've never before in my life been a jealous person, but now I'm being consumed by jealousy. Jealousy is such a multifaceted fuck. I get one area under control and another area pops up. I squash that and then another raises its ugly head. I feel like I'm going in circles; a continuous loop that brings me back full circle to things I thought I had already dealt with. I'm so fucking tired of my thought patterns and feeling hurt all the time. This is not who I am. I am normally an optimist who farts sunshine. Now I feel like a belching, gastric pile of vomit.
I want my compersion back. I get glimpses of it, sometimes I'm fairly solid with it, and then it evaporates again. I used to overrun with it and I miss it. It felt secure and good. This feels empty, raw, and awful.
Have you ever lost your compersion? How did you get it back? Have you ever experienced NRE that wasn't reciprocated?
*pseudo name taken from Hindu goddess, Shashthi