If the poly life is teaching me one thing (and its teaching me lots of things) it is that my preconceived notions of what is right and wrong, my ideas about black and white moral issues, about hard and soft boundaries, are all in constant flux.
When we started out I would say things like "Oh no I would and could never ever be ok with that." Turns out, 3 years later, I've done and experienced most of these things and have learned so much about myself in the process.
I suppose the only real rule and boundary that I have is that I want my partners to be honest to themselves and to me, and vice versa. But even that isn't something that is always completely and 100 % doable.
So I guess my global rules are: lets all try open communication as much as possible, lets all try to stick to the things we agreed on as much as is possible.
But, we'll take into account that we are all human and that mistakes will be made. Forgiveness is a very powerful thing.
Then, on a case by case basis, be brutally honest to yourself about what you are feeling, what is good and healthy.
I recently experienced something that made me realize that some of my hard boundaries are really just safety nets that prevent me from really looking at my fears. Dealing with things on a case by case basis is definitely more work that having strict rules and boundaries (at least that what this feels like for me, now).
early forties, straight.