Originally Posted by Cleo
this incident somehow worked as some sort of accelerant
Yes! I will draw you the picture I see. You have a very active social life and you like to get to know the people in it very well - to the point where you can predict their behavior. Your comfort zone revolves around predicting the behavior of those in your orbit. I use the word orbit because it describe those who revolve around you.
You like to maintain your comfort zone. To maintain it properly, changes that happen with those in your orbit are allowed to happen, but you prefer to be the one who initiates the changes so you can clearly see how those changes benefit you. Your NRE for him faded. That change was fine, because it followed the rules, because you initiated it. That change had the effect of putting emotional distance between you and him. Again, that was fine because you initiated it.
Then you find out the rules of your comfort zone were not working as well as you thought, because he became attracted to her without you knowing about it first. This had the effect of putting MORE distance between you and him, because as your attraction to him fades (your doing), his attraction to your friend grows (not your doing), and she has a change going on in her life (not your doing) that could make her more emotionally available to him.
All of this ACCELERATES the distance you feel from him MORE than your nre fade could by itself. The fact that two thirds of everything that is going on here violates the rules of your comfort zone because you did not initiate it or see it coming ( double whammy) makes you want to reach out your hand like a traffic cop and say: Hey you two, STOP! Slow down so my comfort zone can catch up with you, and I can decide what I want all this to mean to me!
Your fear is that people in your orbit will do things without involving you. That fear inside you wants to tell you that if the people in your orbit do things without involving you, that really means they are telling you you're not important to them anymore. You believe this. When you're not important anymore, the very people making you unimportant (by doing things without involving you) must be using you when they do things without involving you. Your comfort zone has been in place to make sure you feel important.
What to do about it all?
Embrace and honor your shift away from nre. Flow with that shift, where ever it goes. Let go of your boyfriend to whatever degree your nre fade wants you to. Be intentionally present with yourself to "check in" as often as you can. Letting go of him, as your nre wants you to, will help you open your own awareness of who you are right now. Much easier to center yourself and find that contemplative place where many of the answers to the question "Who am I now?" are waiting for you to discover them.
Your energy is shifting. Going with the flow of the shift is like a swimmer diving off the high diving board with proper body posture - fingers pointed straight ahead and head in alignment with the body. She hits the water with minimal interruption of the water surface, and moves quickly through it. For you, the water is the change you are experiencing. Your journey through it can be this smooth if you let it.
Or, you can let your comfort zone tell you how to move through this change (Hey, wait for me!!). Instead of the swimmer in proper form, just haphazardly do a cannonball of the high diving board. That will send the water everywhere, make quite the drama, and you'll move through the water much slower. Both of these examples seem totally different, don't they? The truth is, both have the same person, the same direction of movement (down) and the same water. The only difference is how the swimmer moves through the water (through the change).
A question I think is interesting to ask you:
What would your life become if you dropped all the rules of your comfort zone? Instead of looking at this question so seriously, I encourage you to have fun with it.