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Old 08-11-2012, 08:52 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 429

Originally Posted by snowmelt View Post

I honor and respect your pace, whatever that is. I am not here to try to change that. My answer to you is yes, in my opinion there is more going on with your uncomfortableness than you may think. I don't know exactly what it is, but you are giving me some clues that you haven't found what you're really afraid of yet.
snowmelt, thank you for taking the time to address all this. I think you are right, I haven't really found what I'm afraid of. I will try to arrange some of my thoughts about it.. it will be like thinking while I write, so forgive me if this is a bit rambling.

I found myself slightly emotionally withdrawing from C about 2 weeks ago. I felt less connected, more absorbed in my own life. In a way I think this was good - after a very intense first 7 months of NRE, a little reassessment of time and energy was bound to happen.
So this slight withdrawal had started before our last date, which was the night when he met my friend.
The withdrawal is now even stronger. I feel quite detached from him. I don't feel bad about this for myself, personally. I think the fact that he expressed interest in my friend made it even more clear to me that in fact he is looking for another love. (What is maybe confusing about it to me is that I thought he would look for a primary, not another woman who is already in a relationship).
I do feel guilty about the withdrawing. I feel guilty towards him often: because he is single, I am married and have another lover besides him, and a lot of friends, and a very busy social life.

Now about the night this happened. He is a very subdued and quiet guy. He met some of my other friends and while all meetings were relaxed and nice, there was never a real spark. Same thing with my friend... she and I did a lot of the talking, she asked him some questions, he did not ask her a lot. I had NO CLUE that he was interested in her (and I'm usually pretty good in picking up vibes like that.). She's married and has a BF who had just broken up with her, so a lot of the talk was about that break-up.
Somehow I feel that he wasn't really that attracted to her as a person, but more to the situation. Meeting a woman who's open to poly is of course not something that happens every day. And maybe its a very good reason to be interested in someone. And again, how stupid of me to assume all this. Maybe he was wildly attracted to her.
But I felt... looking for the word here ..I think I felt a little used.

Now the weird thing about all this is that I already felt less attached to him. I was starting to notice some things that were annoying to me. The constant travelling for our dates (he lives about 2 hours away) was beginning to feel tiresome. Yes, I would definitely say that NRE was wearing of. I have been very jealous of potential love interests of his in the past. I would not feel that kind of jealousy now. So why would a relationship with my friend bother me?

What is the fear here?

I could say, and a month ago this would have been true, that I am afraid to lose my special place in his life. But I can't really reconcile this with the need to withdraw I've been feeling lately.

So another thing that could be happening is that this incident somehow worked as some sort of accelerant, and made me realize there are issues between me and him, that maybe I'm not as happy in the relationship as I was before?

Sorry, I don't think any of this makes a lot of sense. Maybe I'll have to sleep on it and think about it again tomorrow.
early forties, straight.
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