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Old 08-11-2012, 06:12 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 2,172

Originally Posted by punkrockmomma View Post

No outside sex without protection.

Initially I said no close friends, but acquaintances are acceptable. I adjusted this boundary to say that all my friends are out of bounds, because this could be too confusing otherwise. Some are friends with my ex, I can't exactly be an ambassador for poly relationships if my partners are shagging my friends...

Full disclosure on all sexual partners. Our first kerfuffle erupted because of Fetlife. I have an account, but seldom use it. It's vague at best, because I am uncomfortable with sharing that kind of information online. They were encouraging me to use it. I got to find out via our profiles, that not only were they dating me, but someone much younger than me as well. I had no prior knowledge of this young un'. I disabled my profile, and said they had to tell me this kinda thing in person. I have made a mistake in not being more clear with this boundary though. I figured that this would mean telling me/each other first, if you're going to hump someone else. You don't have to ask permission, but you do have to tell me, whether it's a call, text etc. Nope. I am neither jealous or angry about this, as I failed to fully communicate what I wanted. My partners ( primarily my female partner ) seem to act as free agents, it's a go for it, and tell later policy. This policy is what lead to a meltdown for my male partner this weekend ( of which I was a participant)...hence why I have been trying to push for more boundaries since. When in Rome.... I did exactly what I have been encouraged to do all along, and it hurt him. I will never do it again, providing all this shit gets sorted.

These were the only boundaries up until last night, of which I started work on a relationship agreement... My female partner does not want to write me off, hence offering to write up a relationship agreement. My male partner is angry and stewing, we are talking tomorrow. In his words ' You and your friends do not think I am right for your needs/lifestyle.' My lady friend who he hit on just stopped by. She outright said I did not say that, I said that they are great people, but unless they are willing to create boundaries ( we are addressing behaviours, it's not an attack on character ) then this won't work. I made it clear to him that I lost my shit for the gazillionth time yesterday, because of a bold statement made by our female partner.


My male partner's response to our female partners statement was interesting " We have dreams that are unrealistic and unattainable at this time."

So very long story short, my partners don't seem to be on the same page with each other, let alone me. My relationship agreement is written, and we will see what happens...

I edited to add this....I do love my partners, but will do what is best for my son and I, so for any concerned people, please don't worry.
I was never worried that you would not do what is best for your son. Your love for him comes through very clearly.

Have you talked with them super explicitly about what using protection means for each of you? My safer sex is not your safer sex. My fluid bonding is not your idea of fluid bonding. (Look at the threads I started and you can read the stupid story on how I ran head first into this reality.) For example, lots of people get using condoms for PIV, but don't use them for oral sex. And there may be additional STI transmission concerns in kink, depending on what one is into. (How to clean toys, use a piece of rope only on one person if it is in the genital area, etc. Learn what you can.) It is critical that different scenarios are discussing and what to do in them is agreed upon. Otherwise, 'using protection' is too vague to actually protect anyone.

Are y'all fluid bonded? (There is much discussion of fluid bonding here btw.)

Friends ban seems reasonable - at least to this outsider! Especially as most of your friends are not actually in the poly or kink communities. You might be able to relax this if you make more friends in those communities. Or not. Depends on your comfort level.

It is clear that you love them and want to be with them. I hope they can do the work necessary to negotiate and work towards getting everyone's needs met. But that is hard work. It can mean compromises and sacrifices. Not fun. I agree with your close friend - you love them but love is not enough if they cannot work out some relationship agreements that work for all involved.

I'm also unclear as what the kerfluffle was exactly. You wanted them to tell you if they were thinking about or about to have sex with someone outside the three of you. They thought that mean tell you afterwards? Or never tell you? Or each other? (An aside. Are you sure these folks have the communication skills necessary to do poly well? Could they develop them if they don't have them now?) I would hate to ask permision of a partner before boinking someone else. That is just too possessive and controlling for my taste. Other folks work out different agreements. (When I was in a primary relationship, we did have a veto on each other's possible partners.) I would certainly want to know 1) if they had other partners - serious, committed or not and 2) if they were considering adding other partners. And I would prefer to know that information sooner rather than later. I personally would be open to negotiating a 'hall pass' if a partner was going to a kink convention or some such event where they could fuck like bunnies and not have to tell me beforehand. But that is something I do before going to said event/convention.

Also, it sounds like you and your female partner acted like free agents and then your male partner got hurt because you two acted like they always act like. (Ugh, did that make sense?) Is that right? This is similar to my previous post. If one is not willing to talk and negotiate boundaries, then one does not get to whine when unspoken, undiscussed boundaries are crossed that no one knew about. Say what you want and need. You may not get it but at least everyone knows the full situation.

And, yes, it sounds like they have much to talk about with each other, much less you or any other partners.

Good luck! I do hope things work out.
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