Originally Posted by punkrockmomma
@Opalescent - What can I say, short of a few things, the majority of what you said resonated with me. I will clarify on some points though.
My ex IS just watching carefully because as a mainstream person, this poly thing sounds creepy and he is making sure that his son is safe and well despite the weird stuff his son's mom is doing...
My male partner did hit on one of my closest friends, she thought he was joking and blew it off. Aside from that, I have a very young friend ( she's 19) who I have been trying to support during a rough patch. Meeting her was like an after school special - at a bus station moving to the big city with 400 bucks in her pocket. Lousy childhood etc. Well, she knows about my relationship, and somehow it was communicated that she was interested in playing with them ( outside of me ). My partners did ask me, and I said NO....then lost my shit completely on them shortly thereafter. They were angry as they said I made them feel really shitty for even asking, when normally it wouldn't be a big deal. I was relentless, I could have said no and let it go.
I'm going to respond to your post in chunks because I have not yet figured out how to do that cool quote, then response, then quote thing here yet.
I am so glad that your ex is just doing his parental due diligence. It sounded like that was the case from your post but I wasn't completely sure. It seems like if you handle your poly/kink stuff appropriately, he's not a problem. Great!
(An aside - I knew it! You're a mother hen! Good on you!)
As to your very young friend, I have a rule that I follow in my own life.
Here it is.
Don't fuck fragile.
If someone is vulnerable, even if they are of legal age and willing, I take a pass. So for example, if someone is actively struggling with mental health issues - during a full-blown manic episode for instance - I certainly would be their friend but I would not fuck them casually or start any sort of romantic relationship. I would not play with them in a kink context. (An ongoing relationship is a different dynamic - my rule is meant the context of initiating sex or a relationshp.)
If someone is young, compared to me, I consider if they are adult enough to have sex, or a relationship with me. The answer is sometimes yes, sometimes no. Youth by itself is not an automatic disqualifier (assuming legal age). But youth can sometimes indicate fragility, vulnerability, because of a lack of experience, or lack of self-knowledge. And, here is where I see why you lost your shit over your young friend. I'm assuming 'lousy childhood' means abuse or neglect. People who have been abused and are finding their way out of it as adults are often uniquely fragile and vulnerable. I am NOT saying survivors are weak or broken and I am NOT saying that enduring abuse always and forever makes one fragile or vulnerable. I have had sex with survivors but they worked hard to heal.
Yes, your young friend is an adult able to make her own decisions. But it sounds like she is pretty much alone in the 'big city' so to speak. That adds another layer of potential vulnerability. Your partners did nothing technically wrong in wanting to have sex or play with her. But to my mind, and how I live my life, they failed the 'don't fuck fragile' test. They seem to have failed to consider the situation of the person they wanted to fuck - who is she?, what's going on in her life?, could this hurt her?, or us?
Your partners seem rather impulsive. Maybe that is not completely accurate as I have only your words to go on. But it seems sometimes they aren't able to grasp their actions may impact someone else. They also seem unable or unwilling to consistently forecast or imagine the consequences of their actions, at least in regard to sex, or sexual/kinky relationships. Or they don't care about the consequences of their actions upon others? (If this is the case, run, don't walk for the exit! But I assume cluelessness and not outright viciousness.)