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Old 08-11-2012, 04:59 PM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 172

Hi Cleo,

I quoted and responded to a few things below. The very first thing I want to say is I like to cut through my own issues like a buzz saw. I tend to look, discover and resolve my own stuff fast. That's just my pace. It works for me. It's given me a pretty good life, which in turn encourages me to keep up the pace. This experience has had the "side effect" of making it pretty easy for me to see other people's stuff. You're talking to a lady who is that driver on the emotional issue highway going 100 mph resolving her own stuff as it comes up. I've learned over time that my pace doesn't have to be anyone else's pace.

I honor and respect your pace, whatever that is. I am not here to try to change that. My answer to you is yes, in my opinion there is more going on with your uncomfortableness than you may think. I don't know exactly what it is, but you are giving me some clues that you haven't found what you're really afraid of yet. Why do I think this?

Your very own words tell me you're still reacting to whatever it is you're afraid of:
Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
because she and I are so close and I would worry about the friendship and it just seems too complicated..
This is a very generic conclusion. Your words here are talking about the uncomfortable feelings that RESULT from the core fear inside of you. That tells me you haven't found the core fear inside yet, in part because these words don't get to what that fear really is. They orbit around it, so to speak, but these words don't turn directly toward the fear they are orbiting around to see what you are really afraid of.

Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
I also told him I did not like him dismissing my uncomfortableness...
Your uncomfortableness is actually about you, so it's not his job to do anything with it (dismiss, accept, etc.) other than listen to you tell him you are uncomfortable. By saying this to him, you are attempting to hold him responsible for whatever the fear inside of you is. That means you are attempting to tell him how to act to minimize the amount of your own fear that you feel. This is adding stress to the relationship you have with him. It is your job to look at yourself and see what is going on with you to cause your discomfort. I'm not saying address this now or you'll all be miserable. I am saying at the very least you'll limit the happiness you can experience, and you will encourage him to limit the happiness he can experience WITH YOU.

Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
do you think there are other 'actual' reasons behind my not wanting him to date her?
The fact that you put the word actual in quotes tells me you think there may indeed be something under your discomfort that you need to look at. You're trying to look in that direction to see if there is fear there, but your still very cautious about looking - like someone squinting and using their hands to try to make looking at the sun easier.

The reason for my reply is to encourage you to look at your fears. I'm not trying to get involved in the decision about whether you're ok with him being intimate with your friend. In my opinion, when you discover what you're really afraid of and talk to him about it with your heart open, both of you will be happier (instantly) and more able to make this decision together, because the conversation will be between two hearts that are more open. Right now the conversation is one sided, because that is what your fear wants it to be.

I hope something I said helps in some way. I wish you well.

Last edited by snowmelt; 08-11-2012 at 07:20 PM.
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