Let me first say, having always been shy, scared to make first moves thinking I'll insult a woman. Having spent 3 days with S & P and never having the balls to ask P how she feels about me, how she'd think our overall relationship would work and encouraging by all T, S, P about just balls up, be honest and say what's on my mind when I approach women
Tonight I DID ask P point blank if she found me attractive
and if she thought we had any future. I DID tell her I want honesty
as usual. I got the honesty and the truth. (even if it fucking sucks
and I don't like it, lol)
Also thank you SNeacail. Yes that was an extremely harsh evening and overnight
as I think I talked with P from about 11pm till 3am, trying to continually remember keep that "wall" up as it is now "just friends" as we just talked about things, some ways they would help eachother with their own relationship issues, etc. Which in itself is very complex, with before being "interested" in P or now being "rejected" by P puts me in a fairly bad light. But, I still DO want what is best for both of them and Bean and unfortunately even S agrees that it'll likely not be a happy ending.
I understand this is more about T and I, but rather than leaving that last bit wide open about the happy ending where readers are left to think WTF!? I think this should clear it up.
Basically S and P have been in a unstable relationship for years with resentment, anger, heated arguments and belittling eachother to just let off stream to prevent further fights. Neither is happy, one only stays in it blinded by love, accepting feeling worthless is worth the pain to keep the relationship going, both continue to live through the pain for Bean.
In spite of both saying they came from broken homes with anger and psychical fighting (just like this) they both want to keep it together for Bean. Now I may be wrong but common sense to me says raising a child only a few years old in that environment is not the best the the child since that is the main reason both choose to try to keep it together. I asked P ok you'll put up with it for Bean "for how long? Till Bean is 18? or longer?" Is not the best for Bean. I guess I've always been the counselor type while I CANNOT tell either of them oh just dump the other. I believe we both have been open trying to make them see reality outside of their anger and feelings they have. Looking at all the options and outcomes. Can it be fixed, whose willing to try and top of all how are each's own needs and feelings will be met so it can be a more equal open, honest relationship without feeling worthless and just putting ones feelings aside to make it work. Seeing their doctor, counseling, etc. Catching and trying to change the actions which lead so often lead to the bad feelings is also a very key part.
T didn't get home till around 5am when she was on cloud 9... *hangs head* till with my mind racing I was fairly angry preparing for the worst. I believe she stated earlier S like most men puts up a pretty thick macho tough guy attitude (which I hate in all men!!!
In my opinon it makes them look fucking childish and I know *evil grin* that is just all the more insecure they are under it. I'm hoping S will get it just be yourself!!!
) couple this with a locker room type way of joking S has *sighs* I really was worried if they both walked in and he cracked a joke something like "Man you're lucky, boy was T tight tonight!" I felt like I would have kicked the shit outa him and toss him out the door!
Now don't get me wrong, I'm perfectly fine and understand sex will happen. I want T to to be happy and of course part of their relationship will include sex. Admittedly I guess I'm a guy that even thinks it's hot in a kinky sort of way but the bottom line is Respect! in our/my house.
Unless we were waaaaaaaay further down the road and casual about just screwing eachother at will while we're all at home. I told T while I could see us being that close and comfortable around eachother at some point if he's respectful. It would take quite a while before I might be ready for it.
In spite S saying P is just shy and P saying take it slow, it'll take time I never expected she would slam on the brakes over such an issue. Personally as intense as my love and feelings are (for potential or steady relationship), I was VERY surprised when P commented that she actually did not find me attractive due to having a bit of a belly (yes honestly currently 232lbs down from 250lbs about a month ago) I was not so much shocked or heartbroken but laughed and looked down and touched my stomach thinking wow on her part.
Now I'm not trying to deflect anger or be rude but the first thought I had was. S is likely in the high 200's closer to 300lbs but after a few seconds it was more clear in which I told her "well you know I understand, you've been with S for years! You're blindly in love with him as you've said, you probably don't even notice nor care how big he is as it's a long term relationship. Although with a secondary partner you DO have a choice, you CAN be picky. Your not stuck in the relationship yet as it's brand new and fresh."
After this we continued talking for hours just as friends. I think my biggest hurt was nothing really to do with P but my own feelings, insecurity and mind wandering thinking fuck now what! Plus the fact within five minutes this happening T was picked up for her date and started her very real relationship with S.
When T got home and after discussing why I was angry and that it was NOT about her time/date with S nor if they had sex or not. We had a very good night in spite of my harsh night with P. T and I ended up talking, enjoying the kinkiness of it and the NRE off T led to a very enjoyable night for us both. I admit we both did take a few jabs at P
as we talked and it just made things feel even more hot about S, knowing how good a night T and S had and while besides dumping me P stayed at home babysitting Bean asking "So how long do you think S & T will be out?" "Umm can you call S and ask when he'll be home?" Honestly I quickly said "sure np" and changed the subject but no way in hell I would phone and risk screwing up T's date (ya think!?) especially after the actions of P
While we had a great night once T got home the next day only after being up for a few hours it started weighing on me while I was back on Okcupid and several other dating sites.
Really nothing to do with P but the depressing thinking how "the couple" was a "perfect fit" emotionally, neither of us would feel left out. I loved the whole family dynamic feel, Bean brought out a side in me T has rarely if ever seen. Since I normally do not like children and try to get out of being around them. While we did not knowingly go out looking for swingers finding a M/F couple into us and claimed to both be looking for an actual ongoing relationship was just too bloody perfect! Now that family good feeling is gone. Instead will be replaced by two separate relationships. T & S and Myself & whoever.
Will it be better or worse I don't know. (fuck getting emotional even as I type this) As I said it weighed heavily on me last night, I was depressed, wanted to just cry, annoyed as fukin hell our pets would not bloody leave me alone! Went to lay down and got the dogs barking right outside my window. I was on the verge of exploding... Yes honestly even while on a bunch of crap to *rolls eyes* stabilize my mood. Pretty much begged T that I need to go out for a walk and talk with her now!!!
Told her my feelings, that I and in NO WAY angry at her, nor at S. How I realized the meds mostly dulled my feelings, anytime I did feel upset I had always managed to get her into talking kinky about it all or *cough* a more hands-on distraction. Said that I know they are MY feelings, I have to deal with them I just don't fukin now how right now!!! This was also the first time I admitted to T yes I feel selfish yes I really really wished things did not work out with S & P especially after P said it's over but S was already on his way here. Where I was thinking why why why, oh god if we could have just found another local couple, screw the one hour drive each time we wanted to see them. Also to have that family feeling and so no one feels left out. Had to say I'm sorry I feel like shit saying I wish it didn't work even tho I know how you care about S. It's just... it was so perfect with a couple!
I guess like getting a taste of something new and now is hands-down the best thing you've ever tasted! You believe nothing could beat that.
This also brought up my past thoughts. If should just shove my long time "good guy" lovey dovey sweet I so want to be in love with someone way of thinking
and just instead adapt to finding a woman just for sex. Since with poly and swingers there seems to be tons more out there for "just sex" rather than those like myself looking for a loving honest relationship.
T says I shouldn't lower myself down to that level, be true to myself, she married the kind of person I currently am now. I honestly don't know, as we've explored this, I've been more open about sex and at times I do regret being the "nice guy" since my teenage years always needing the feeling of being in a relationship before sex
Hmm to me it all boils down to what is logical, what are the odds, what will get me what I feel I need. T has changed, I'd say for the better since she's feeling sexually liberated.
I sit here confused, debating in my head. It's not about just sex... but maybe just sex would follow into a relationship
. Can I stop feeling bad if I'm just one check-mark on a woman's to-do list for the week. Revolving more around just sex maybe I'd more likely find someone into fetishes I enjoy and that could be a relationship