So my part-time job has now officially turned into a full-time job if I want it. I have yet to figure out how I am going to juggle this, my business, my son and everything else that is going on.
I came home from work, curled up with my kid and napped, before sending him off to his dad's place before leaving for camp tomorrow. I am no longer feeling like Linda Blair in the Exorcist, although I look rather green around the gills, breaking out, have bags under my eyes and can't keep a thing in me.
Everything escalated to epic proportions, and back again. I asked my female partner to read this thread, in hopes of giving her some clarity. My male partner has been suffering from a weather/stress induced migraine, since he's not been feeling well, our relationship has gone to hell in a hand basket. I do feel bad about this.
I'm not going to add quotes, as it would make this post one of epic proportions, which it likely will be anyway, but I will try and address what has been said to me thus far.
@ GalaGirl - I actually copied and pasted your response to my partners,just before I came right out and said that I was part of this forum...."please check out this thread." There wasn't much down time between the two, because I really don't have anything to hide, I'm a pretty straight up gal.
@ Opalescent - What can I say, short of a few things, the majority of what you said resonated with me. I will clarify on some points though.
My ex IS just watching carefully because as a mainstream person, this poly thing sounds creepy and he is making sure that his son is safe and well despite the weird stuff his son's mom is doing. He is a good person and we are very close despite our divide on my entering the world of poly.
My male partner did hit on one of my closest friends, she thought he was joking and blew it off. Aside from that, I have a very young friend ( she's 19) who I have been trying to support during a rough patch. Meeting her was like an after school special - at a bus station moving to the big city with 400 bucks in her pocket. Lousy childhood etc. Well, she knows about my relationship, and somehow it was communicated that she was interested in playing with them ( outside of me ). My partners did ask me, and I said NO....then lost my shit completely on them shortly thereafter. They were angry as they said I made them feel really shitty for even asking, when normally it wouldn't be a big deal. I was relentless, I could have said no and let it go.
No outside sex without protection.
Initially I said no close friends, but acquaintances are acceptable. I adjusted this boundary to say that all my friends are out of bounds, because this could be too confusing otherwise. Some are friends with my ex, I can't exactly be an ambassador for poly relationships if my partners are shagging my friends...
Full disclosure on all sexual partners. Our first kerfuffle erupted because of Fetlife. I have an account, but seldom use it. It's vague at best, because I am uncomfortable with sharing that kind of information online. They were encouraging me to use it. I got to find out via our profiles, that not only were they dating me, but someone much younger than me as well. I had no prior knowledge of this young un'. I disabled my profile, and said they had to tell me this kinda thing in person. I have made a mistake in not being more clear with this boundary though. I figured that this would mean telling me/each other first, if you're going to hump someone else. You don't have to ask permission, but you do have to tell me, whether it's a call, text etc. Nope. I am neither jealous or angry about this, as I failed to fully communicate what I wanted. My partners ( primarily my female partner ) seem to act as free agents, it's a go for it, and tell later policy. This policy is what lead to a meltdown for my male partner this weekend ( of which I was a participant)...hence why I have been trying to push for more boundaries since. When in Rome.... I did exactly what I have been encouraged to do all along, and it hurt him. I will never do it again, providing all this shit gets sorted.
To be cautious about the poly and kink stuff in regards to my son - he is the love of my life, my best friend, and the best thing I have done with my life thus far. My male partner has bragged about my son more than once to people I've met via them (he has only met him once in passing, I talk a lot about the awesomeness that is my super punk rock boy )....he knows how devastating it would be for me to have anything happen to my son and I.
These were the only boundaries up until last night, of which I started work on a relationship agreement ( I figure this is a good thing to work on anyway, even if this relationship doesn't proceed forth). My female partner does not want to write me off, hence offering to write up a relationship agreement. My male partner is angry and stewing, we are talking tomorrow. In his words ' You and your friends do not think I am right for your needs/lifestyle.' My lady friend who he hit on just stopped by. She outright said I did not say that, I said that they are great people, but unless they are willing to create boundaries ( we are addressing behaviours, it's not an attack on character ) then this won't work. I made it clear to him that I lost my shit for the gazillionth time yesterday, because of a bold statement made by our female partner.
Y'know, I want suburban couplehood again someday - tea in the morning, family trips, the pretty home and all that fluffy stuff. Unconventionally of course - I am the cool, tattooed mom venturing forth into poly and all. But this means no lube on the coffee table and no floggers hanging from the bed posts..... My male partner did say he would consider cohabitating with someone else, and raising a family.That may not be me, but just a general statement. I mentioned this to our female partner, because I asked whether it was really worthwhile to construct a relationship agreement if we all don't have the same life plans. Her reply, " You do realize that I want a dungeon in our future home?"....
Absolutely mind blown.
As long as I have a dependent child under my roof, that lifestyle will never be a possibility. How did it not occur to either of them, to discuss their life plans with me, prior to developing a relationship with me? Yes, I did not do the same with them...but it's a pretty damn safe bet that as a parent, that my home is my castle, sans dungeon, because of my son! I did say to my female partner that I am willing to negotiate on " fun time" events out of town etc., and how to manage that. I am curious monkey as to whether that would be enough for them. Because really, we all have to have our needs met. If they don't want to lead a life of "decency and propriety" most of the time, and have kinky fun the rest, I can't blame them.
My male partner's response to our female partners statement was interesting " We have dreams that are unrealistic and unattainable at this time."
So very long story short, my partners don't seem to be on the same page with each other, let alone me. My relationship agreement is written, and we will see what happens. I am going to take a bath, put on a face mask, and listen to some music....and head to yoga tomorrow morning. Prolly cook up a storm, and nest like a mother hen afterwards. I am not thinking about this for the rest of the night.
I edited to add this....I do love my partners, but will do what is best for my son and I, so for any concerned people, please don't worry. I am just overwhelmed right now, and I am just waiting to speak with both my partners in person.