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Old 08-10-2012, 11:11 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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I think you are making progress. You are getting more information out of BOTH. Call it a success enough for now.

Don't worry too much about WHAT to DO with the information received. Esp since it is emotional information. How you feel today? May not be it tomorrow, in a month, in a year, in a decade. People grow and change.

Just establish communication channels. And thank them for sharing more openly.

Don't press for hard limit answers if they limit is not known. Even YOU haven't got all your hard answers, right? And if they aren't good at articulating wants, needs, and limits like bam, bam, bam -- they need time to LEARN IT so it comes like bam, bam, bam.

Clear and assertive. Not aggressive mean. Not passive wishywashy. Just... here's my dealio!

But the point is to keep on communicating so we all keep track of our trio's temperature checks on things and not get too blindsided while at the same time growing these important skills so they get sharper and not so dunderhead clunky.

Quote:
So now I am basically at an ultimatum from both of them.
-Gf: be with me and tell me that over time it will just be me and you
Maybe you Answer: I want to be with you know, in a triad. I do not know what over time will bring. I cannot answer that part right now. But if pressed to answer, I want you both. If that is a dealbreaker for you, then we need to address it now rather than later.

Quote:
-BF: let's have a baby and get married, but I want a poly relationship regardless if it works out with current gf
Maybe you Answer: I don't want a baby right now or marriage, but I'm touched you would ask. Thank you. Yes, I want to be in a triad right now with GF. I do want to try to work it out. If it doesn't, we will reassess. But I don't want to think about future polyships when we are IN one right now that needs tending.

Quote:
-me: I just want to be able to feel emotionally safe and work out all the communication issues right now. I don't want ultimatums that didn't exist, or weren't expressed prior to strike 1 events.
Maybe you Answer: Thank you both for trying to break down the elephant with me and own bits of the puzzle. I want to feel emotionally safe with you both and doing this work helps a lot. Let take time to sit with things, and maybe check back in next Friday? (Whatever the weekly check in day is. ) We can learn these skills together, and get better at it in time.

Don't get tempted to RUSH through all your processing of things. Need times to chill and just BE together in between. That in of itself is reassuring -- that even in conflict resolution time, nobody is leaving the party. Daily life carries on and everyone is committed to BEING HERE and seeing this thing thru. Go rent a movie and eat pizza. Chill. Friday check in appt will come and you will do a bit more work on it. Elephants are big, it is OK if they take more than one session to solve!

But take note you are ON YOUR WAY! That's great.

Quote:
-The framework/ conflict resolution part is where we are still struggling because right now it seems everyone is in the air on what they want individually. What kind of framework do others in a triad have that has been successful?
Not a triad but a "V" -- here's mine.
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/member.php?u=49794

Conflict resolution -- I haven't written one out here yet but it flows very much like this.

AFTER I have the 1 hr crazy lady time. I need to wave my hands in the air and do a totally unreasonable brain dump/emotional vomit thing. Like I unload all the GRR to the air. He doesn't try to fix anything. He just listens to me yammer and hands me tissues if I need them (to cry in or shred to pieces). Then I calm down and can behave like a logical, reasonable person again. But if I don't get the dumping time, it just makes the healing process that much longer because my eyes still see RED and UGH and GRRRRR.

Do you know how to do a life priority wheel? Maybe that can help your polyship pees articulate what their wants, needs, limits are. It's done like spokes of a wheel. You give each "stick" a label -- career, friends, whatever.

Maybe in your case you want to label it with your polyship tiers. And talk with the people in your group how much time needs to be spent in each tier for the people to be happy there. It does not have to be equal like everyone gets 2 hours in that tier a week. Maybe some tiers are happy with 1. Maybe some need 3.

But it can give you another way to get a handle on it?

Or maybe you want to give each stick issues names -- communication, honesty, quality time spent with GF, quality time spent with BF, emotional safety, body safety, mind safety, spiritual safety -- whatever is on your mind.

Then in a month or 3 mos you can all do it and see if things have changed/gotten better.

http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newHTE_93.htm

Dunno if that helps.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-10-2012 at 11:19 PM.
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