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Old 08-10-2012, 08:11 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Originally Posted by Wolfwood View Post
Nyc, it's actually not a particularly easy subject to search for.
Yeah, you're right. I was thinking "dating" and another term... not sure. For some reason, I thought there had been a bunch of links to threads on this topic gathered somewhere, either by me or someone else, but now I don't see it. It is tricky to search for, but I feel like I have read at least ten different threads on the same thing. When I have a chance, I will do an extensive search and post it in Golden Nuggets.

But I just looked up some of the threads I recall responding to, and there are a few good ones that are related (some more than others) to this topic, that you might like:
Time to tell a new partner you're in a relationship?
When and how do you tell them?
Question about discloser
Dating vs. Poly

How/when to bring up an interest in poly?
First Poly Date
Telling a non-poly "date" about myself

Generally, what I have found is that solo people tend to give dating someone a little time before saying they have other lovers, and married people tend to reveal it before any dates take place.

I was in a brief relationship with a married poly guy, and I met him online. His dating profile states that he is married and has links to both his wife's profile and to Franklin Veaux's site so people could read about it - all in his first paragraph.

I am currently corresponding with a married poly guy and I met him online, too. Pretty much the same thing as the other guy - it's all upfront, except his wife doesn't have a profile, so no links.

Neither of them introduced me to poly. I was already looking for poly men. But I feel that anyone who has a spouse should state so before making a date. A primary who is not a spouse, I could wait a little bit to find out, but it should be fairly soon-ish - especially if they've got a bunch of rules and guidelines that would affect additional partners! But I tend to look for and attract poly men who have very loose, less structured arrangements with their SOs, and not many rules.

As for myself, I am unpartnered and do not have nor seek a primary. I want the parameters of my poly relationships to be a little looser and more casual than that. Plus, I do not see dates as auditions for long-term relationships. I simply see going out with someone as an opportunity to have fun and get to know somebody. I mention poly and non-monogamy in my dating profile without coming out and saying that's how I roll. I don't want to exclude or scare away "civilians" who might be interested and willing to embrace something new. If I had a spouse, I would definitely have it upfront in my online profile, but I don't feel it's necessary if I just have several casual lovers or a partner who is also solo, and not a primary. I don't subscribe to that hierarchy, btw.

If I were married, or partnered and considered that partner a primary, anyone I date would know on that first date. I am not sure I would tell someone I met in person before going out with him, but probably fairly soon on a first date. But I don't have a primary. I think it could sound a little arrogant to state to someone that I have lovers and practice polyamory too soon, as if I was assuming that this guy must want me. No, I like to see if we're hitting it off first. For people I meet in real life, sometimes "relationship talk" and the subject of non-exclusivity takes place on a first date; sometimes it happens on the third, or fifth date, or even the morning after boinking someone.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 08-10-2012 at 08:22 PM.
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