Originally Posted by Wolfwood
Nyc, it's actually not a particularly easy subject to search for.
Yeah, you're right. I was thinking "dating" and another term... not sure. For some reason, I thought there had been a bunch of links to threads on this topic gathered somewhere, either by me or someone else, but now I don't see it. It is tricky to search for, but I feel like I have read at least ten different threads on the same thing. When I have a chance, I will do an extensive search and post it in Golden Nuggets.
But I just looked up some of the threads I recall responding to, and there are a few good ones that are related (some more than others) to this topic, that you might like:
Time to tell a new partner you're in a relationship?
When and how do you tell them?
Question about discloser
Dating vs. Poly
How/when to bring up an interest in poly?
First Poly Date
Telling a non-poly "date" about myself
Generally, what I have found is that solo people tend to give dating someone a little time before saying they have other lovers, and married people tend to reveal it before any dates take place.
I was in a brief relationship with a married poly guy, and I met him online. His dating profile states that he is married and has links to both his wife's profile and to Franklin Veaux's site so people could read about it - all in his first paragraph.
I am currently corresponding with a married poly guy and I met him online, too. Pretty much the same thing as the other guy - it's all upfront, except his wife doesn't have a profile, so no links.
Neither of them introduced me to poly. I was already looking for poly men. But I feel that anyone who has a spouse should state so before making a date. A primary who is not a spouse, I could wait a little bit to find out, but it should be fairly soon-ish - especially if they've got a bunch of rules and guidelines that would affect additional partners! But I tend to look for and attract poly men who have very loose, less structured arrangements with their SOs, and not many rules.
As for myself, I am unpartnered and do not have nor seek a primary. I want the parameters of my poly relationships to be a little looser and more casual than that. Plus, I do not see dates as auditions for long-term relationships. I simply see going out with someone as an opportunity to have fun and get to know somebody. I mention poly and non-monogamy in my dating profile without coming out and saying that's how I roll. I don't want to exclude or scare away "civilians" who might be interested and willing to embrace something new. If I had a spouse, I would definitely have it upfront in my online profile, but I don't feel it's necessary if I just have several casual lovers or a partner who is also solo, and not a primary. I don't subscribe to that hierarchy, btw.
If I were married, or partnered and considered that partner a primary, anyone I date would know on that first date. I am not sure I would tell someone I met in person before
going out with him, but probably fairly soon on a first date. But I don't have a primary. I think it could sound a little arrogant to state to someone that I have lovers and practice polyamory too soon, as if I was assuming that this guy must want me. No, I like to see if we're hitting it off first. For people I meet in real life, sometimes "relationship talk" and the subject of non-exclusivity takes place on a first date; sometimes it happens on the third, or fifth date, or even the morning after boinking someone.