Originally Posted by katja24
I haven't asked for emotional space and for him to not text/call her when we are together because I am afraid of him getting defensive and upset.
Why are you allowing him to terrorize and bully you with his emotional reactions? Seriously, if you ask and he gets upset and defensive, so what? Why be afraid of that? His anger doesn't have to get you all caught up in it. Whenever my ex-husband got all bent out of shape about something, I would just sit there and watch it happen, and then I'd say, "If you want to be mad and upset about this, that's your choice and I can't do anything about that. But this is something we need to discuss, so come back and talk to me after you've calmed down" And then I walked away. Instantly diffused. He later told me that he never was in a relationship before where a partner refused to engage in a fight with him, and that the way I was with him actually allowed him to see his own reactions with more clarity.
What is the worst that could happen? He says "no" and you tell him that is something you cannot live with or you renegotiate some other things or make a compromise. At least you will be HEARD. If you do not ask for it, you are not heard and your needs are not known, therefore can never be met. Telling him, you at least have a 50-50 chance that they will.
How he responds has to your request does not negate the fact that this is something you need to communicate to him. If he wants to have a fucking fit like a little baby having his toy taken away, that's his problem. You need to express what you need to express. It's like the commonest thing in the poly world to ask that SOs not text or call one love when with another. It is simple etiquette, politeness, and courtesy. You're not asking him to give up a brick of gold, you're asking him to stop being so fucking rude.
So... breathe, put on your big girl panties, and take a stance! You don't have to lie down and be at his mercy.