@Galagirl- I understand and agree on what you are telling me on the heart garden. @snowmelt brought up a good point that I lot of this in the beginning was fear.
1. Fear my bf and gf would replace me(meaning they would decide they want a monogamous relationship with each other without me) and I would no longer be wanted/needed, etc.
2. Fear I would lose my best friends, both of them, and my primary relationship me-bf, and my new gf-gf relationship all at once.
3. Fear that because my gf has never been with a female before and she has told me multiple times "I don't think I am into girls, I just am into you because it's you", and when I tell her I don't understand what she means by this, she has no explanation, she just says "i don't know"
I now know this fear is because:
a. my gf has not been with any other female, she told me yesterday she has never had a best friend- this makes me feel as if she has what I call "virginity love" for me. Not sure if this makes sense but I feel that because NOW after talking to her about the events that have occurred, the present, and how we can move forward on the duo and trio from her perspective, she is so wishy washy on what her wants/needs/limits are.
I am specifically telling her "I would like to know your wants, needs, limits, regardless of whether you think I agree or not. I am not going to get upset, I want to work on communicating and knowing 100% the real you."
I asked her again about her "not being into girls, but being into me" and she says she still cannot explain what she means by that. I asked her if the emotional bonding is the driving factor between us or the new sexual experiences. She told me both but then proceeds to tell me that if she had to choose which gender to be with, it would be a male.
I don't know how to make sense of this, because at this point, I cannot make that determination. For me, its 50/50. For her, she says its 49-female/ 51-male. She also told me being 100% honest is not an "on, off switch" with her, its something that she has to work on.
She also says she wants to ONLY focus on being with me, and to pretend bf doesn't exist for now. But long-term, she knows she does not want to be in a V relationship because she wants 100% of me, not 50%.
Question: how do I respond to this because I don't see it as giving her 50%. and if she feels this way, does this mean that she is also thinking I can only give her 50% in a triad as well. Or is this valid for her to say?
b. me-bf, I have known from the beginning that bf was attracted to the fact that I was bi. We met at a swingers club- we were both working there part-time. We never discussed prior to meeting gf about poly relationship primarily because we both never organically hit if off with a female long-term.
bf told me yesterday that he is attracted to the relationship trio because he felt that all his wants and needs were met (over last 8 months) and his temptation to be with other females went to 0%. (sounds like he is still thinking with his 3rd leg)
He then told me he all of a sudden wants to get married and have a baby. This is something that we have casually discussed over the last 5 years, but never moved forward on it. Bf says he wants to focus on our duo and be friends with gf, but then he also said he is attracted to being in a trio and would like it to work as a trio.
So now I am basically at an ultimatum from both of them.
-Gf: be with me and tell me that over time it will just be me and you
-BF: let's have a baby and get married, but I want a poly relationship regardless if it works out with current gf
-me: I just want to be able to feel emotionally safe and work out all the communication issues right now. I don't want ultimatums that didn't exist, or weren't expressed prior to strike 1 events.
Answers to your questions:
-We have decided on"check in times" of once a week right now where we re-discuss everyone's wants, limits, needs, and feelings
-All of the apologies you brought up have been made, on single, duo, and trio levels
-The framework/ conflict resolution part is where we are still struggling because right now it seems everyone is in the air on what they want individually. What kind of framework do others in a triad have that has been successful?