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Old 08-10-2012, 07:56 AM
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rory rory is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497

The visit to Home Country was mostly good, I had a lovely time with Mya. After that I've just been organising load of stuff for moving, i.e. mostly job hunting. I fluctuate between being excited and a little stressed out and being a ball of anxiety. The latter is getting more pronounced as it's getting closer (3 weeks, fucking hell!).

However, there was a huge relief that realised itself as Alec got a job offer (or rather, a few of them). It's all still a bit unclear around whereabouts his job will be in Dream City (which is making flat search challenging) but either way he should have the kind of work he's been unable to do here. I can't tell you people how happy I am about that. It's a load off our shoulders about our immediate financial survival, and on top of that, it is also really promising that things will be better for both of us in Dream City, which is tied to questions about future in this country.

I wrote earlier about boundaries around finances. I've been insanely happy with that decision. Helps, of course, that Alec has gotten a job so quickly, but that is not the biggest thing. I've felt great about the fact that we've been able to have really good, balanced discussions about all the future stuff, without him going on defensive and me letting my fear drive my actions. And I do feel like I trust Alec more, now that I've been able to let go of the controlling; I've been seeing that he does a lot, he has his own style, and it seems to be working well for him. And I haven't felt like the burden of responsibility lies on my shoulders when I've allowed him to do his share and kept out of some things entirely. Very happy about the positive developments.

I can't believe it's only 3 weeks until I live in the same city with Mya. So cool! At times it's hard to focus on that with all the stress getting in the way, but so cool. Yay!

I do have a bit of the old "how can I be enough for two partners who are both living in the same city" fear, an issue about which I'm realistically not too worried about. Emotions, if only they were rational. It's simply the change and the fact that I'm feeling so stressed out and expect that to be the situation in Dream City for some time as well. I do know that fears about 'not being enough'/'people expecting stuff from me'/'potentially having to make boundaries' do tend to coincide with feeling exhausted with other stuff. The moments when I feel like I'm too tired to do anything are the ones when I most need boundaries (i.e. time and space for myself) and the ones when I really wouldn't have the energy to make/enforce those (because I'll then have to manage guilt, too, which is exhausting). Btw, in advance dreading this kind of thing has very little to do with what I expect my partners to want for me (I do trust that both of them are interested in my well being) and more to do with simply mostly-irrational fears.

It is funny, really, how digging revealed again guilt at the bottom of one anxiety. Huh... (Sorry about the likely incoherence of this post.)

Last edited by rory; 08-10-2012 at 08:09 AM.
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