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Old 08-10-2012, 07:16 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 485

Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
OTOH - MrS and Dude were best friends before I got involved with Dude. While I think this did contribute to the upheaval of our early relationship contretemps (i.e. the mistakes I made) ultimately I think that they fact that they are best friends is what has made their metamour relationship so strong.

Big Risk, Big Reward.

I think, though I do not know, that I would prefer the boys pursue women that I am already friends with or COULD be friends with (a limited pool of women - I don't like most people). At least I think that there would be a better chance that she would consider my feelings carefully as well - because she likes me as a person in my own right as her friend...interesting to contemplate...

I did think about this... or tried to think about it... wouldn't it be awesome when 2 people I love would also love each other?

But no.. after thinking about this all day yesterday I grew more and more uncomfortable with the whole thing. I think I was most bothered by one thing.. when he asked me 'how would you feel about me getting to know her better?' I replied 'if you two started dating, that would make me uncomfortable' and he replied 'well, we would have to see, maybe it would not be uncomfortable at all'.

I mean, it just felt wrong that he dismissed my feelings (which he asked about) basically telling me that maybe I would not have these feelings. I'll decide that, thank you. Anyway, I kept thinking about it, and finally called him (which I very rarely do because I hate talking on the phone).
I said 'look, this is not about you dating someone else, I've made peace with the fact that the situation we have now is not going to go on forever, at some point you will date someone else and we don't know what my place in all that will be, and I'm not saying I won't be upset but I'm realistic about it, but my being uncomfortable here has to do with you dating HER'.

It was important for me to let him know that it wasn't a regular jealousy thing.. like I said, I'm not in a position to hold him back from dating, no matter what my feelings about it are.

We had a really good talk and he understood, told me that had hesitated about asking me, and that he would not pursue it any further. And we said goodbye congratulating each other on surviving our first Relationship Issue

I'm glad I called, I also feel just a little bit like a poly failure, like I should have been able to be ok with this. Maybe in a couple of years, I will be. Right now, it would just be too much to handle so I think I made the right choice here in setting this boundary.
Cleo - forties straight female
Ren - husband of 20 + years
Bo - BF of 3 years
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