Wow this is a huge thread. I won't go through it all (I'm up late enough as is) but I will throw in my two cents, just on my experience...
I'm young enough and inexperienced enough to believe that I have metaphorically shot myself in the foot when it comes to what I'm wired for, which I've been exploring within the past year.
I am a male minded female (that is happy being female) who has been called 'tomboy' for lack of insight... I am attracted to both males and females, where the physical line is down the middle and the intellectual leans towards men, who I just understand better.
Along with being 'bisexual', which is a sort of fad that ppl don't take seriously, I am very interested in a poly relationship with a man and woman. To have my pie and eat it too (ahh puns...)
Finding my ideal relationship(s) is hard enough, but I have found I am also into some specific light BDSM. I am a sub who loves to please and be directed, and I enjoy light pain (pulling hair, gripping, holding down, spanking etc) and some bondage, though I don't like abrasive ties. Some people wouldn't consider these kinks, but a lot more people do.
So as well as wanting to be poly with a man and woman together as well as some one on one (staying within the three of us), I am into more than vanilla sex. I would have to compromise greatly or be extremely lucky to get what I want/need. =_=
I understand that a lot of people are into BDSM as well as polyamory but it just seems nigh impossible to find what you're looking for. Sometimes I hate the way I'm wired, it just seems I'm making it harder on myself.
Perhaps if I was more the mythical hot bisexual babe it would be easier, as least to try out. But I'm chunky on top of everything else as well as being nerdy.
So there's my two cents, for what they're worth.