ON MONO-POLY RELATIONSHIP COMPATIBILITY Pt 5: Cut Off from Support Can Lead to Affair, Demise of Rship, and Other Trouble
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance
that was precisely why I had an affair-because I craved SOMEONE loving me for who I was. Not the right solution (learned a lot since then). But I didn't know the right solution-I only knew that I NEEDED to be safe, and I wasn't safe if I was loved "in part".
It's a struggle.
I know your story. *hugs*
I do not judge at all -- but this is common enough a situation.
It is hard. Then it becomes a struggle not just of feeling unloved and lonely, but then struggling on ethics too because deep needs are not being met.
In my case, old BF did not want to Open to my thoughts and feelings (and that is all I asked for initially. I did not ask for right to date others or for us to Open to Another. I just asked for his willingness to hear and talk to me about my inner life and try to love all of me, uncensored.) He refused. He also did NOT want to break up to set me free.
So... what the hell? I am left stuck in a relationship that does not feed me then? I try to give my 100% and actually, it is not wanted? I want to receive his 100% an actually, that won't be ever be given? I'm not a masochist. And I cannot offer support and love and nurture where I get none in return. I broke it off.
He didn't want to accept that. What a mess it became.
It was actually that break up that got me to draw up my relationship boundary points crystal clear. I was so hard ass on those in subsequent dating -- and thank goodness. Because I was strict about my limits, and very honest about my wants, needs and expectations? I never had a thing like that again because the players were CLEAR on the gamebook going in from the get go. They could add their own wants, needs, limits too of course. I wanted to know theirs too. I expected to make agreements for how to best be together, if we were going to be together.
But me? And my wants, needs, and limits? And how to best be in right relationship with me? All out there in the front window. Take it and start negotiations to crank it up a notch to a romance or leave it and let's just be friends then.
I had enough Muppet Show. Play like honorable Star Wars Jedi here or don't play with me at all.
I didn't initially but I'll add this extra tidbit here.
With that ex? I broke up with him. Because I needed to be free to see others since he cut me off from support/nurture and love in not wanting to talk about my problems, feelings and struggles in my inner life.
He chose to view it like "We are on ice" because he did not want to deal with this new information.
While I told him "It is totally over. I am seeing other people. We are done."
Because I was tired of the stonewalling and I was tired of feeling lonely and all hollow. Share in my inner life. Come IN. Or let me IN on your end to help share in your Vulnerable as you process so I can be a part of this relationship somewhere. Or just let me GO. Won't do any? I have to go then. There is no relating happening here. I can't be perpetually in limbo for the rest of my life. I want to be have a chance at the pursuit of happiness.
Later I was suddenly a cheater because he asked me if I was dating and I honestly said yes. Apparently he thought I was still his GF despite zero contact with me for a whole 3 or 4 mos? I thought I was his ex, and we were just talking one day back at home on a break. (We went to different colleges.)
I was angry, tired, bored, and just so over the whole thing. "Fine. I'm a cheater then. I am evil. NOW can we be officially
Many years later he apologized for being such a dingbat at the time and I forgave him. I get that we were young, mismatched, and he totally spazzed out completely over the whole bi/poly thing. He was young and ignorant at the time about non-conventional models of loving and just could not deal with it well. It is what it was. College was good for him -- he met other people of other walks of life and lost that limited outlook thing eventually. He wasn't a bad person. We just weren't the fit.
But shutting down on your partner? Heaping abuse on your partner? Refusing to even deal with your partner?
It would be so much kinder to say something like "Wow. That's a lot to digest. Thank you for sharing that. I need time to take it in. I do not know what that might mean for our relationship future. But I value your being honest and up front with me."
Far more graceful even it is still the end of the relationship.
A basic mismatch is a basic mismatch. Unfortunate situation. But it doesn't HAVE to go gettin' UGLY and lashing out and just yuck
on top of all else.
We cannot help how we feel because we do not get to choose how we feel. We do get to choose how we behave in response to those feelings - REACT in the heat of the moment or ACT WITH INTENTION with a cool head.
Be really remarkable to be a mono in those shoes and try to love your poly person ANYWAY and try to find a happy medium that works.