ON MONO-POLY RELATIONSHIP COMPATIBILITY Pt 4: Choosing to NOT go there Openly with Support
Originally Posted by Josie
It never really occurred to me to act on them - because that wasn't part of the relationship agreement - but I always needed to express it.
Originally Posted by tonberry
It makes the difference between feeling miserable for not being allowed to ask someone out, and feeling free and fulfilled because I have that option - even if I decide not to take advantage of it.
I feel like this...
Even if polyme chooses to be in a closed polyship of 2 for whatever reason right now? I have the choice. I can talk about it. I can think about it. I can choose to not exercise it. If I did? And wanted to go there? I know he'd try to work with me, and calmly rewrite our agreement to a new agreement for how to best be together. Because he understands, knows and loves ALL me. There is nothing hidden here.
I understand how he is wired and would work with HIM back. So he can feel safe in all his buckets too -- mind, heart, body, soul. Why would I go make his life hell by shaking up his emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual health all willynilly? I love him! I will treat him in loving ways, not cruel ones!
Right now it is not the time -- I have kid and eldercare and my own chronic patient stuff -- I am not FIT to be seeking a new lover. I don't NEED a new lover. Would it be fun? Sure! But this is not the right time, nor the right place in my life. Husband is all I need and want as husband. And then some. Because I know how rare it is to find someone who will love you for you -- all of you, just how you are.
I don't have to hide these feelings or thoughts -- I can talk about how I feel any damn time I want with my husband. My dreams, wishes, desires, thoughts, secrets... and he doesn't bat an eye. He's secure, he loves me, he understands my wiring, and he is compassionate about all my things. He will offer me support and nurture.
- That I am upset over my father's mental health and sad on it -- my mother is losing her husband, we are losing our dad. It's called the long goodbye for a reason.
- That I get driven bonkers by kid stuff even though I love the kid -- it is MADDENING at times.
- That I love him dearly and I worry about all this eldercare and kidcare stealing from our couplecare time.
- That I sometimes yearn to get to experience a new love relationship unfold into something meaningful.
- That my joints hurt and I worry about my endocrine labs.
Whatever it is -- he will listen, support, nurture. I feel valued like a complete person.
I have the RIGHT to his support and nurture. He's agreed to our rights and responsibilities, and he holds up his end of the sticks. I hold up mine.
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance
GG you did an exemplary job explaining precisely what I've been missing and craving and needing and trying to ask for -throughout this whole marriage, including while I cheated and while we've been poly.
Glad it helps you. It is hard not to receive support/nurture from your partner. The relationship needs tending and feeding or it will wither.
I hope you get what you need from your relationship and your partner. Or move to a space where you can seek it if this particular relationship has run its course and you come to find that the two are not well suited after all.
Because where ELSE can the poly person go to get support and nurture and understanding from partner if not the partner?!