ON MONO-POLY RELATIONSHIP COMPATIBILITY Pt 3: Bad Reaction of the Mono Partner Alienating Ethical Poly Person Sharing Vulnerable
(This is long excerpts from this thread.
I've had this conversation with BF and he very much feels poly is a lifestyle choice, but there again, I think he's equating 'poly' to actions, whereas some here are equating 'poly' to a feeling.
What about the actions of a MONO in a mono-poly relationship?
The expression of polygamous relationship structures are wide and varied -- V, triads, quads, tribes, etc. THAT is structure to me.
The expression of polyamourous wiring -- that's wiring. I can totally be in a 2 person rship and feel happy, loved, and content if I am allowed expression of my polyside. I don't NEED to have another lover. I NEED to be understood and loved like I am. Not keep a part of me stuffed down and hidden because... my spouse can't handle me talking about things?
What kind of wimpy spouse did I marry? Where just talk is threatening?
The saddest things I see? The situation of a mono spouse and a poly spouse who comes into poly awareness AFTER the marriage. Maybe the poly spouse was too scared to share this side of themselves BEFORE the marriage. Maybe they come into awareness after the marriage. Maybe they are in a serious rship but not married. Whatever.
But if the ethical poly person turns to mono partner to share Vulnerable Things -- isn't that what you are supposed to DO?
And the mono partner blows a gasket and unloads abuse and crazy on the Vulnerable poly partner? For what? For just coming to the Loved One with a Vulnerable?
I don't see how THAT helps any to move the relationship forward toward a happy medium where both can coexist in harmony. All that does is shut the poly person off from nurture/support at the quarter they need it most. And then things REALLY can go haywire.
I always wonder what sort of foundation the relationship/marriage has if just talk can blow it apart. And what the poly person is supposed to do. Pretend they don't have polywiring? Where do they go to express it? Are they happy knowing they are married to a mono partner who is supposed to love them who actually... only loves some of them -- the parts that are "acceptable" only? Is the mono partner happy knowing about this side of their poly person now? And knowing deep down that they wish they never knew it because they rather NOT love the whole person and now have to live knowing this darker side of themselves?
Trying to ignore or sweep it under the rug -- that sort of thing just makes walls.
It can become very lonely in there -- and it's strange to feel lonely inside a relationship when your Loved One doesn't even want to deal with talking about much less loving a part of you that does exist. When you start to feel unloved in your relationship? That's no good at all. It leads to all kinds of trouble.
I ended an rship with a BF NOT because he was mono or because I couldn't be happy in a mono rship as a bi or poly person. But because he denied me my personhood, he only wanted to love a sanitized me, he didn't want to talk about my polyside and give me a small space to express it (just in talking to him!) and because he was so insecure he was a drain. So. Cut ME off from partner love, nurture and support but suck me dry? Ugh. I grew sad, lonely, then later tired and bored. I left. And not to leave him for another like he always feared. I left him to be ALONE because he was not partner to me. He was a black hole of need I could not fill or satisfy. I was less lonely ALONE than with him.
I asked DH the other day if I make him nuts when I ask him all sorts of poly weird and he just laughed and stroked my hair. "I love you. I love you making me nuts. I don't love some Idealized you. I love YOU you. That is the you I love, and that is the you I NEED."
And this satisfies my Soul. And I'd follow him to the ends of the Earth just to keep living in the Heaven that is him. I have never been loved so completely, faithfully, and understandingly. Open or Closed or Upside Down even... You can bet your ass I'm not letting THAT one go without a fight! I adore my DH.