@GalaGirl-Thanks for your help
Thank you for your response. Now that I have shared what is going on with someone, I don't feel so alone.
I am breathing a little bit more now. To clarify where I am right now, I have heard both versions from each of them separately on why this occurred. But you are right, we have not sat down and had the conversation with all 3 of us together about the elephant in the room.
The overlapping reason from both of them is that they both didn't tell me what was happening because they didn't want to hurt me emotionally and didn't know how I would react.
I told both of them my feelings are more hurt because our goal was to be okay with everyone being intimate whenever, separate or together but I just simply needed time to get there and feel they should have told me beforehand they wanted to re-review the boundaries.
You are right. In retrospect,being new at being in a triad, I did have soft limits, we did not set a time for us to "check back in" and I only specifically had additional conversations during the last 8 months with my gf about me not wanting them to have sex without me right now until we had been together in a triad longer than a couple months because it was new to all of us, I was the first girl she says she has been intimate with, and I knew she was still married (and she had affairs in the past before I met her) and things were already complicated as they were.
In these conversations, I gave her ample opportunity to let me know how she felt,and asked her specifically if they were being intimate without me without my knowledge, and she told me on more than one occasion, "no, I wouldn't do that to you, and I don't want that anyway right now, I don't even know when we would have the time or opportunity to be intimate without you"
The time and opportunity was because although me and my bf live together, she would stay over quite a bit and when I left to go to work, they were intimate.
1. Behind my back- we had agreed that my bf and gf would not be intimate with each other without me present. Right before this happened, we all 3 had discussed her moving in at which I felt we would obviously need to re-adjust and review the boundaries set. I had already given her a key to our house two days prior.
2. No lies, no secrets- in my attempt to have open communication, the agreement was to have no lies, no secrets in communication. I shared all the conversations I had with each other with the other, and we had group texts.- I now realize I wasn't really clear or realistic about this.
3. Time limit/ their boundaries- there was not hard time limit set, because of what my gf told me in regards to also not wanting this right now, I thought it would be something we would re-assess once she moved in. I was told their boundaries were:
GF- no intimacy with him without me present
I now know that COMMUNICATION was and is the biggest problem along with now TRUST.
My first step it seems should be to have a conversation with both of them together and ask the hard questions you mentioned.
My next step is to REALLY think about if a TRIAD is what I can mentally, emotionally handle and if I am truly mature enough to be in a TRIAD situation.
Thank you for your help through this.